Kannard's Random Thoughts

Ventriloquist Choir

2011-01-04T15:26:00.000-06:00

I see this and keep having thoughts of the old Anthony Hopkins movie Magic. This is not for the fenint of heart or those who have a doll phobia.

Last of the Full Grown Men

2010-05-30T18:10:00.001-05:00

It's a quarter past the 90's and the true start of summer is about to happen. The measure of the change from spring to summer came not with Memorial Day or an equinox, but with seeking out the idol of idle youth. One could set their seasonal watches by the first Webb Wilder show of the season at 328 Performance Hall. There was never a set date for the beginning of summer. It always happened in that magical time when the weather broke enough to wear shorts and before the humidity became so oppressive one had to swim from one's car to the club's entrance.

In those days, going to a Webb show was a youthful ritual pilgrimage. Summer might not happen at all if the trials of 328 were not met. Securing a free and non-towable parking space... Slinking through the side streets leading to 328 without getting mugged or running into someone headed to the Jungle down the street... Cutting a hole through the thick coating of clove cigarette smoke and second hand patchouli that lingered around the club's entrance... Hoping the bartender had the foresight to stock an extra case of Guinness... Trying to start a conversation with the out-of-your-league Vandy girl who would never give the time of day to a guy who drove a Rabbit convertible... Waiting out the Gun Bunnies or some equally horrible band for Webb to take stage... The ritual had to be maintained for the sake of summer after all...

It wasn't that Webb Wilder held some Phish-like sway over the audience, but the shows were always fun. You were never sure where the shtick ended and the truth began for the rock-n-roll private eye. That coupled with the honky tonk inspired tunes made for one hell of an evening. And sometime around quarter till 2000, the summer ritual ended. It must have been around the time Nashville Scene sold out to Village Voice and In Review went under. I moved on and my idle college and mid 20's years drew to a close too.

I hadn't thought of that ritual until my wife sent me an email about Webb playing at Dragon Park today. Perhaps Webb had a mystical revelation that Nashville hadn't been the same since a quarter past the 90's and decided to appease the ghosts of the old Nashville Scene. No matter the reason for the reemergence of the Webb-summertime link, I had to find out for myself. Packing up the family, I set out to see for myself.

We got to the park a little late, but in time to hear Human Cannonball as we found a spot to get our groove on. As we walked around, I looked at the crowd and most everyone mirrored myself. We had taken the family out to seek out the beginning of summer and introduce our idle youth to the wonders of a Webb Wilder show. I noticed that all the kids, like my own, weren't into the show at all. The acrid smell of clove cigarettes and patchouli was conspicuously missing. The strongest thing to drink was my own Mapco Diet Coke. All the while, parents were chased their idle youth around Dragon Park. As quickly as the show had started, Webb's performance was cut short due to a thunderstorm. Somehow I thought it was for the best because I realized that Webb Wilder wasn't the last of the full grown men. He was just the first...

Tonight on the Miserable Men's Sirius Radio Show.. Me?

2010-05-09T12:55:00.000-05:00

Tonight should be a pretty interesting night for me. At 9:00PM CST, I'll be appearing on the the Miserable Men Show on Howard Stern's SIRIUS Channel 10. I'll be discussing Skullduggery: 45 True Tales of Disturbing the Dead. You might want to put the kids to bed before tuning in. The program is uncensored and while I promises to behave, I can't say the same for the show's hosts....

It's been a pretty interesting ride promoting the book these last few months. I've had 15 or so different appearances on podcasts and national/big market radio shows trying to live up to my own maxim of being able to tell the best stories in any given setting. We'll see if my true tales of creepy things that happen to the dead hold up bounced off a satellite.

I guess I should never have doubted the great Webb Wilder, you really are never too small to hit the big time. Thanks for everyone's support, and tune in tonight if you get the chance.

Nashville 2010 Flooding; The Day After

2010-05-05T03:59:00.000-05:00

After the long dark weekend of the monsoon Nashville suffered, Monday brought about blue skies dotted with friendly cotton ball puff clouds. The sun had been replaced by the stinging rains of the weekend and all was right once again with the world. My home, christened years ago by an unremembered friend as "Fort Donelson", had done an admirable job of sheltering my family from a very pissed off Mother Nature for the last two days. Thirteen inches of rain and Fort Donelson took on a thimble full of water around the door to our utility room. Even after the rains stopped Sunday night, there was a large puddle at the end of our driveway and three small limbs downed in the front yard.

My home rests less than half a mile from the intersection of Mill Creek and the Cumberland River, but all weekend I wasn't concerned for the safety of my family. Fort Donelson sits approximately 100 feet above the banks of the Cumberland. I had even once brushed off an insurance salesman hawking flood insurance to me with,"If my house gets flooded there won't be a Nashville left." Now with a large tracts of Davidson Country underwater, I left to go to lunch.

Making my way down the street, no one could tell that anything was even wrong in Nashville. A woman leisurely swept her porch and a man at another house was even cutting his grass. In my neighborhood, the day after brought just another sunny day. The realities of Nashville the day after were just down my savior of a hill. The basin next to Mill Creek had turned into a lake. The Donelson marina, that failed due to capital investments, had secured funding from the rain gods. Large rolls of hay that were in that basin were bobbing through the brown water like corks in a science experiment. The homes on the opposite side of Mill Creek were underwater. For a good half a mile from the usual western banks of Mill Creek, families had lost everything. Their homes invaded by water and their existences forever shewed, and I had left to go to lunch.

I was faced with a feeling that I had never had before. With 37 years behind me, I simply thought there was nothing new left to feel. It must have be something akin to survivor's guilt. Why was my home, my family, my life spared in the worst tragedy since the Battle of Nashville in 1864? I can't even begin to guess at the motives on high for this passover. The only thing I was certain of, is that once the waters begin to recede there's quite a bit of volunteering in my future.

The Owls Are Not What They Seem: A Review of The Fourth Kind

2009-10-23T00:55:00.005-05:00

I have to admit that I was somewhat taken in by tonight's screening of The Fourth Kind. The film starts out with a very impassioned Milla Jovovich telling that audience that what they are about to see is a dramatization of real events mixed with actual footage. Jovovich tells us that she is portraying psychologist Dr. Abigail Tyler of Nome, Alaska during events that took place in first few days of October, 2000. The audience was reminded that in the end, "It's up to you to decide" on the validity what is presented in the movie.

The film presents a picture of a broken woman whose husband Will was murdered a few months previously. As she comes to grips with her husband's death, she continues to see a group of patients that have similar sleep disorders. Around 3:30 AM, each of three different patients remembers seeing a white owl coming into their bedroom and nothing else. Eventually, Dr. Tyler hypnotizes one of the patients and realizes that the group is being abducted by aliens.

Without giving any more of the plot away, let's discuss the film itself. The story that is presented is compelling and cinematically shot quite well. The director uses different story panels on the same screen to intersperse the "actual" footage with the dramatization. The effect could be tiring if your focus was not constantly drawn to the panels with the archived footage. The experience is unnerving at best, thinking that what you are viewing is real...

There comes the rub. A little back checking turns out that either Dr. Abigail Tyler is an internet ghost, or the CIA has erased any electronic records of her. Doing a quick Google search will yield some authentic looking web results for Dr. Tyler listed below:

A Bio for Abigail Tyler from the Medical Journal Archive
A 1997 Article about Abigail's work with sleep disorders
An article about Will Tyler's 2000 suicide

The problem is that when doing a Whois domain name search comes up with all these sites being created after August of this year.

If one does a Google News Search for Dr. Tyler, you get zilch. There are no news sources that would indicate that a Dr. Abigail Tyler existed. The final piece of damning evidence comes from a handout given at the screening. It says that, "In October 2004, filmmaker Olatunde Osunsanmi had wrapped principle photography of his thriller The Cavern and traveled to North Carolina for post-production. While there, a chance dinner conversation sparked an interest that would be the genesis of The Fourth Kind." That's a tad problematic since there is "actual" footage in the film with the real Abigail Tyler and Olatunde Osunsanmi dated 2002.

The film does what it has set out to do, get people talking about it. While I appreciate the P.T. Barnum like chutzpah of the filmmaker and marketing team, go see it for entertainment. If you're looking for evidence of UFOs, listen to Coast to Coast AM.

Dungeons and Dragons Sodas

2009-10-21T13:05:00.001-05:00

The folks from Jones Soda have showed that their true nerd colors in producing a new line of sodas inspired by Dungeons and Dragons. Now when your 14th level Chaotic Good, Dwarf Fighter/Thief/Magic User gets ambushed by a patrol of kobolds; pop a top on a tall boy can of Potion of Healing to replenish those lost Hit Points. The limited edition sodas include: Potion of Healing, Dwarven Draught, Eldrich Blast, Sneak Attack, and Bigby's Crushing Thirst Destroyer. All sodas can be opened by your +2 bottle opener...

It is doubtful that these lads had the protection of these new Jones Sodas before bringing out the D20's.

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The Magic of Simple Pleasures

2008-12-29T09:54:00.002-06:00

A cardinal rule of my life has been to look to the simple pleasures to create pockets of happiness in a seemingly chaotic world. A cigar, a haircut, a simple adventure on a day off... Things like this can provide me with the stability I need to fend off the general weirdness that encroaches on otherwise normal days. Perhaps these simple pleasures are a talisman that wards off such things.

The universe stops running on greased grooves when the ever pressing weirdness encroaches upon the orbit of simple pleasures. . The blasphemy of a simple pleasure being tainted with the radiation of real world concerns is the backdrop of the events of last night.

One ritual Laura and I have taken up is going to a Mapco and getting a fountain Diet Coke. We have turned the trip to Mapco into a warding talismans with a complex ritual to make the magic stick. Like the alchemists of old, we even have named our hunting grounds for our raw materials. There's the "sketchy Mapco" on Spence and Lebanon Road; "our Mapco" at McGavock and Lebanon; and the "redneck Mapco" in Hermitage. Each fountain and location brings its unique twist on the Diet Coke experience.

Last night, after dropping my son Robert off, we found ourselves by the "sketchy Mapco". After a full day of work my head was not quite clear and I almost forgot the solace of the fountain drink. Nearly missing the turn in, I whipped Jane into the sketchy parking lot. Laura and I dismounted my CR-V with the deft precision of an Air Assault trooper unassing a Blackhawk towards our goal.

Before the clerk knew we were in the store, we had cups in hand siphoning off the life giving liquid from the fountain. The first press of the fountain's button told me that something was different. The flow of soda was not uniform and I had to hold the cup close to the nozzle. Thinking there was some CO² malfunction in the unit, Laura as me greedily "Is it ok?".

Taking a sip I discovered whatever the unique properties the sketchy Mapco's fountain has taken on this evening had delivered the best mix of Diet Coke I had ever tasted. The last time I remember a mix like this was in '91 at a Thorton's in Henderson, Kentucky. I gave my cup to Laura for validation. The only words she could summon up was, "Tasty..", as her eyes rolled slightly back into her head.

The magic of the ritual and the treasure trove was split by the coarse voice of the clerk. "You can't use that. I've broken it down and that will go all over the place."

My cup was full and my shirt was dry. There was no problem here. But the rage of a man denied gave way to pouring my cup out. I would be hanged if I was going to support such poor service. A silent agreement passed between my wife and I. The bewitching liquid was poured down the drain and we slinked out of the store.

Our closest option to satisfy our need for carbonated beverages was the newly refurbished Shell station across the street. Mounting up in Jane we crossed the street. From the parking lot we could see that their fountains didn't have stickers on the individual heads. This was a problem we had run into before when breaking with the Mapco tradition. Like some Old Testament Judge smiting an idolatrous nation, we realized the folly of supporting foreign soda fountains.

By this point we were wondering if we should give up the hunt. We had been stymied at two turns and maybe this was a sign from above that we should pack it in. About that time, another sing passed by us on Lebanon Road. An old, half rusted limo pulling a pop-up camper whizzed past us. Surly this was a sign enough of the apocalypse that we should turn back.

The words "never give up and never surrender" itched in the back of my head. Onward we pressed to "our Mapco". Just past the Briley Parkway overpass, the Heisenberg uncertainty principle set against me. While talking about something that had happened at work that day, a freshly lit cigarette flew from my fingertips. Being the ever agile fellow I am, it had to be some breach in the laws of Physics that caused the malfunction.

Landing in the floor board at my feet, I began to freak out a tad. The duress was not only from the impending combustion of random flammable materials that collect in the floorboard of a car, but the sheer weight of symbolic pressure keeping us from a Diet Coke.

Once again I whipped Jane into the nearest parking lot. Images of WWI pilots burning alive in their cockpits filled my subconscious. The Red Baron did not have his day in the sun with me last night. The burning ember was found and quickly extinguished without the least bit of trouble. The only causality was the debilitating laughter coming from Laura that paralyzed her momentarily.

Forging onward, we arrived at "our Mapco" and got a Diet Coke. No incident, so midgets in clown suits robbing the joint. A simple pour, pay and leave.

What you were thinking there would have been something grand at the end of the road? No, just validation that the talisman of the simple pleasures does work. The trip home was uneventful and the rest of the night was peaceful. So there is some magic in a ritual and the stability only a fountain drink can bring...

Grail Seekers Hits the Podcast Waves Once Again

2008-12-13T17:22:00.001-06:00

Just a gentle reminder that I will be taking the podcast waves tomorrow night on the Errie Radio show at 6:00pm CST. The show deals with all sorts of normal and paranormal topics. I've been slated to talk about the Grail Seekers blog and web site. In my experience with interviews of this type are concerned, one never quite knows where the conversation will lead to.

I've never been on this show, so I'm not quite clear on how their podcasing format works. I'm assuming that you will be able to listen in to the show live. In past shows I've listened into they've had callers, so that would tend to make me think that there is a live feed to the show.

So listen and call in if you can. I'm sure it will be an experience...

Frank Herbert's Dune is being Adapted for Film, Again

2008-03-26T16:38:00.004-05:00

Variety announced last week that Peter Berg will direct Paramount's adaptation of Frank Herbert's Dune. I hope that third time makes the charm, because the last two tries to bring Dune to the screen fell short of the mark. If Berg follows his predecessors, I don't think he'll be too popular at Dragon Con after the film's release.

The article mentions nothing about anything other than a slap on the back to those who snaked the rights from the Herbert estate. Given how Frank's son Brian has been whoring out the licensing for dime store knockoffs of dad's classic, that couldn't have been too hard. I'm surprised there hasn't been a "How to Cook Sandworms with Muad'Dib" show on Food Network.

There are two other elements of this article that perplex me. The first being that, "The filmmakers consider its theme of finite ecological resources particularly timely." Really... It's too bad the Hollywood Left just got the message about how the Fremen tried to live in harmony with their environment. Yes, that one of Herbert's themes throughout the entire Dune series. Wouldn't it be much more instructive to remind ourselves how the political situation of Dune gives us dire warnings to present day global terrorism and international financial marketing woes? I'm assuming that subtitle distinction was missed on the producer's first read.

Finally the article goes on to say, "Paramount envisions the project as a tentpole film." That makes me wonder who they've got in mind for Jessica and Chani. If we're lucky, Miley Cyrus won't be cast as Alia....

If Berg is planning on deviating from the book's story line; may his film chip and crack in his camera. Long live the fighters!

Elvis' Grave and Saint Padua's Finger Bone

2008-03-15T11:58:00.002-05:00

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Jungle Room Love is Driving Me Mad

2008-03-15T11:40:00.002-05:00

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Corky Hits a Home Run

2008-03-15T10:37:00.002-05:00

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Memphis Zoo Part 2

2008-03-14T13:37:00.002-05:00

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Memphis Zoo Part 1

2008-03-14T13:34:00.002-05:00

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Home Agin, I Like to Be Here When I Can....

2008-03-12T23:22:00.002-05:00

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Operator, I need some help...

2008-03-12T14:16:00.002-05:00

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Long Island RFD

2008-03-12T13:56:00.002-05:00

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Escape from New York

2008-03-12T12:17:00.002-05:00

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The Quest for the Holy Grail and Madison Square Garden

2008-03-12T10:50:00.002-05:00

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The Cloisters

2008-03-12T08:41:00.003-05:00

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William Cullen Bryant and Gertrude Stein Looks alot like Buddha

2008-03-11T09:12:00.002-05:00

William Cullen Bryant Statue at the
New York Public Library

Gertrude Stein Looking quite Buddha like
in this statue at Bryant Park

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An Easy Morning In New York

2008-03-11T08:56:00.002-05:00

Bryant Park

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Saint Andrews and Why I Like Old Expensive Scotch

2008-03-10T21:02:00.002-05:00

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The Algonquin

2008-03-10T20:32:00.002-05:00

The Algonquin

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Red Lobster, the Musical!

2008-03-10T19:52:00.003-05:00

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Atlas Shrugs and Rockefeller Plaza Symbolism

2008-03-10T16:38:00.003-05:00

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A Walk in Central Park with No Dead Bodies

2008-03-10T14:55:00.002-05:00

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The Dark Tower Rose and Free Tibet March

2008-03-10T13:26:00.004-05:00

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I really have to be one of the world's biggest nerds. I went to the site of the Rose and the Tet Corporation from Stephen King's Dark Tower series while I was I New York. Now there is no empty lot, but the Turtle Bay building has been built and rests of the site of the mystic rose.

After walking around in my fictional nostalgia, I decided to walk down to the UN building. Much to my surprise, I ended up smack in the middle of a Free Tibet and Beijing Olympic protest march.

The Saw Lady

2008-03-10T12:37:00.003-05:00

The Picture is a little out of focus, I didn't want to scream to New York... "Look I'm a tourist, fleece me!"

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World Trade Center, Ground Zero

2008-03-10T12:14:00.003-05:00

Going to Ground Zero was something that I felt I had to do. I almost didn't because I knew what my reaction was going to be. It was a monumentally emotional event for me, but I'm glad I was able to honor the fallen by going to the site.

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Big Al's Pizza

2008-03-10T11:46:00.002-05:00

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Kountry Come to Town

2008-03-10T09:28:00.002-05:00

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Footloose Premires in New York

2008-03-09T18:47:00.002-05:00

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Chumley's Gets Smacked by the Hand of Fate

2008-03-09T17:52:00.002-05:00

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Greenwich Village Author Bar Quest

2008-03-09T17:34:00.004-05:00

White Horse Tavern where legend has it Dylan Thomas took his last drink before going to the great beyond.

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Flying on a Red Cross Evac Plane

2008-03-09T13:32:00.003-05:00

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TSA and Social Darwinism

2008-03-09T07:36:00.002-05:00

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A Voice on the Lonely Road

2008-03-09T05:57:00.004-05:00

Though the magic of the Internet, and little dancing faeries, you can keep up with my travels this week here. There's no telling what adventures I'll get into taking my first bite out of the Big Apple! So stay tuned to this channel for my adventures carrying a mojo hand made out of the ashes of Wilford Brimley mixed with a lock of Doug Henning's hair!

Latest Iron Man Trailer

2008-03-01T01:35:00.004-06:00

This trailer surfaced on this week on My Space for the upcoming Iron Man movie. I always liked the character of Tony Stark as the flawed hero. The real allure of the Tony Stark/Iron Man character is that even a geek can strap on some high tech armor and become a hero.

For those of you not familiar with the comic, think of Stark/Iron Man as a boozing, womanizing, gad-about version of Batman. Strike that, make that Batman with much more destructive toys. Strike that, think the Great Gatsby in exoarmor. If Jon Favreau did his job and stayed as true to the comic as you can in a movie, it will be all that.

Iron Man opens in theaters on 2 May 08. If this doesn't turn into the Punisher or Fantastic Four, it will be so money...

Iron Man Exclusive Trailer

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Highlander: The Source Review

2008-02-21T22:32:00.001-06:00

Last night, I treated myself to a geek fest of pizza rolls and a late night viewing of Highlander: The Souce . (The folks at M80 Marketing were gracious enough to send me an advance copy of the DVD. Everyone else will have to wait until next Tuesday to score a copy.) I was a little giddy remembering sneaking a watch of the original Highlander movie on HBO when I was but just a lad. At 35 the prospects of pizza rolls after 9:00 PM is a risky proposition at best, but I felt duty bound to forge ahead.

It was around 3 this morning that my nostalgia caught up with my acid reflux and I tried to digest my earlier experience. The original Highlander movie was a watershed moment for a young geek. What was there not to love about a movie that combined trench coats, swords, flying heads, a bad guy as evil as Darth Vader, and the girl next door charms of Roxanne Hart? For a young adolescent, it was one of my first brushes with the cult classic.

The gas pains of the pizza rolls then forced me to remember the pain of watching Highlander 2 in all its planet Zeist glory. By that time, I was beginning college and a general disenchantment with the world had started. What was one more fond youthful memory that got smashed? It was with this baggage I returned to the Highlander saga. But this time it was with the hopefulness that being a 30 something father brings to one’s life. Maybe this time around would be different.

The Source takes place in the “proverbial not too distant future”. The society in Eastern Europe has broken down due to some unnamed malady. There is a very “Escape from New York” feel about the chaos that now rules the streets. It is against this backdrop that a loosely aligned group of Immortals recognizes that the time of the Source is at hand.

The lovesick and apathetic protagonist Duncan MacLeod finds himself wandering like an Errant Knight amidst events he could care less about. Sick of being playing Immortal’s games, Duncan reluctantly joins the quest to find the origins of the Immortal’s powers. Their way is stymied all the while by this incarnation’s psoriasis skinned baddie, The Guardian.

As I got into the movie, it seemed like pretty standard Highlander fare. All the elements of a heroic tale are present to an almost text book Joseph Campbell tee. I do applaud the script writers for not dumbing down the political details and secondary characters. There are enough clues to both elements to let the viewer’s imagination fill in the blanks.

The script attempts to use the same “fill in the blank” technique with Duncan and his role in the quest for the Source. It seems the writers were shooting for a less cerebral Immortal version of The Fountain. Just like the Aronofsky opus, The Source addresses some fundamental concerns of the human experience.

The realization of this small plot device forced me to reexamine my initial opinion of the movie. The Source obliquely speaks to us in our 30’s and 40’s who grew up with Highlander in what we consider its purest form. Impending mortality, personal legacies, disenchantment, broken relationships, and lost life goals all nag in the subtext of the script. While the elements of swashbuckling that appealed to me as an adolescent are ever present throughout The Source, there is a more “grown-up” appeal.

This makes the Connor MacLeod story a fairy tale of our younger days. What else could explain the continuity issues and the franchise turning its back on the original movie? The Source and TV series then become the grown up, real world Highlander. The things of childhood have been put away and the real issues and struggles of life begin. Not the imagined and petty problems of our teen years.

After making this mental leap, I felt a little warm and fuzzy about The Source. My bloodlust and emotional needs had been met. Now, since I’ve resolved that issue, will someone tell me how to stop my pizza roll induced heartburn?

Hellboy 2 Trailer

2007-12-21T01:10:00.000-06:00

Sweet mother of pearl, is it summer time yet?

Darth Vader in Love

2007-10-24T06:55:00.001-05:00

Darth Vader In Love Pt.1

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The Darjeeling Limited

2007-10-09T08:32:00.000-05:00

Wes Anderson's new film The Darjeeling Limited went into a select city release on 5 Oct 07. Unless it comes to Belcourt, us hicks in Nashville will have to wait until the DVD release.

How to Make Dungeons and Dragons More Sexy

2007-09-30T15:44:00.001-05:00

And they said women like this didn't exist outside the blue Astral plane of Tiamat. You know the place you can only get to with the 10th level spell Fizburn's Multiverse Meander with your Half Elf thief/magic user/ranger.

Wonderhowto make Dungeons & Dragons sexy...again?

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Southbound and Down

2007-09-29T09:18:00.000-05:00

Ayn Rand is spinning so fast in her grave that seismometers around the world are getting faint readings. This week the Tennessee Department of Revenue (TDR) announced that they would be monitoring the amounts of cigarettes Tennessee citizens purchases in bordering states.

Current state laws prohibit the transport of more than two cartons into the State without a Tennessee tax stamp. Spokesmen from the TDR warned that transporting 3-24 cartons is a misdemeanor and over 25 is a felony that will carry the penalty of the seizure of your vehicle.

The head of TDR special investigations, David Remke, was quoted in the above Tennessean article as saying, “"It's not fair to them [stores on the Tennessee side of the border] that they've lost a lot of their business"

No Mr. Remke, it’s not fair when the government’s taxation policies make it unattractive to purchase a good or service in one’s home state. Did the brain trust in our legislature not think that there would be a consequence to raising a tax on a specific good? I can postulate that given the actions of the TDR that they did not.

So the answer to making things “fair” in the State of Tennessee is harass citizens who are adhering to the basic principles of capitalism; fining the good they want at the lowest price. By extension of this mentality, it’s not “fair” to a local Barnes and Noble when I purchase a book cheaper on Amazon. The TDR isn’t concerned about that, yet.

Then again, we’re not talking about what’s fair for business in Tennessee at all. The TDR is hiding behind “fairness” to Tennessee businesses because tax revenues on cigarettes in border areas are down. So we spend tax dollars on monitoring the border for Burt Reynolds and Jerry Reed smuggling in 10 cartons of cigarettes in from Kentucky. Your average citizen can now take on the role of the Bandit and Iceman just for buying their smokes in Kentucky.

If you’re thinking that cigarettes will be the end of this, I fear you’re sadly mistaken. If you buy your groceries in Kentucky (where there is no tax on food) and transport them to your Tennessee home, soon you might get a trip to the pokie for bringing too many eggs across the border. Remember, it’s not fair to local businesses that you’re saving 8.25% on your food because of the taxation policies set by your legislature.

Just remember that the TDR is watching you…

Travels Without Charley

2007-09-20T12:54:00.000-05:00

Well as some of you know, I was lucky enough to do a two day jaunt to California this week. I've done a couple of slide shows of some of the cool things I saw and in the land of nuts and berries. Yes the stories will abound at some point, but not today....

Midget Bullfighting

2007-08-21T04:16:00.000-05:00

I really, really do understand how very wrong this is. But it is a train wreck of epic proportions.
Midget Bullfighting

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Alternate Endings of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

2007-08-03T22:38:00.000-05:00

Seems that these days I’m about two weeks late on doing anything I really want to do. Why then is it any surprise that I’ve just finished Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows? I laughed, I cried, and it became apart of me. I've mourned the end of the series in my own special way and lauded the billionaire J.K. Rowling as a genius.

Well maybe not that much of a genius. I think I could have come up with some better endings to the series that all that. Here’s what I’ve come up with:

Harry figures out that the key to defeating “you know who” is to find Dumbledor’s enchanted copy of Dance, Dance, Revolution. Harry challenges the Dark Lord of a dance off for supremacy of the wizarding world. Voltomort, not being a spring chicken, falls cracks his hip, and all the unicorn blood comes oozing out of him. Killing the baddie and ensuring the snogging of good wizards and witches will continue well into the next generation.

Unable to defeat the Dark Lord in any other manner, Harry enlists the aid of Cho to get cozy with Voldie. Cho sees the poor tortured soul of Tom Riddle beneath the rough tough evil exterior and falls in love with him. “You know who” is over come by Cho’s undying devotion that he gives up the whole evil wizard thing and becomes a Muggle travel agent.

Voldemort’s plan in the UK succeeds and he is determined to take over the rest of the world. He gets involved in land wars in South East Asia and looses support from the Dead Eaters. They feel that “you-know-who” lied to them about the reasons for attacking another wizard community.

Voldemort is actually the Great Pumpkin. (Thanks Bear and Jer)

Harry afraid to accept his destiny talks Ron into a guy’s road trip. After a few misadventures, the pair drives off the edge of the Grand Canyon in thier “flying” car. (Thanks Jer)

In the final battle, Harry’s wand is knocked out of his hand. Voldemort presses his advantage and quickly moves towards Harry. Leaning down next to Harry’s ear Voldemort, whispers the final words Harry Potter will ever hear, “Can I tell you about the wonderful opportunities that Amway products can provide you and your family?” (Thanks Bear)

The duel between Voldemort and Potter comes to its fever pitch. Spell after spell is cast and countered. Harry barely ducks a testicle smash spell and counters with a “Stupify”. Unfortunately, the battle has been waged long enough that Potter’s diction is not up to his spell casting. The word “Superfly” is uttered instead, turning Voldemort into an exact replica of Huggie Bear. The crowd that has been watching the battle laughs for hardily that Voldie’s wand chips into a thousand pieces.

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer Review

2007-06-15T00:20:00.000-05:00

By Odin’s fiery merkin, did everyone at Marvel comics spend all their time on Spiderman 3 and forget about Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer? Did the Broadway musical scenes in Spiderman 3 drain the collective creative conscience from the writing team? Or was it the long creative sessions over the portrayal of Galactus that sucked the muse from Stan Lee’s minions? For whatever reason, Rise of the Silver Surfer stinks. I’m not even sure where to begin to describe how my Fantastic Four skin was trampled upon for 92 minutes.

Most of the first half of the movie is spent in a Dr. Philish overview of the Fantastic Four’s group dynamic and how their lives have changed by becoming celebrities. The team of Mark Frost and Don Payne then go into an examination of how Sue Storm feels about balancing raising a family and saving the world before dinnertime. I would have expected a harder edge from veteran screen writer Frost whose past credits include some of the best Twin Peaks and Hill Street Blues episodes ever produced. Instead we are left with product placement gags, a dance routine by Mr. Fantastic, and an ABC After School Special about teamwork.

Then there’s the action. I’m sure most of you have seen the trailers with the Human Torch chasing after the Silver Surfer. The entire sequence is contained in those trailers. Granted it was an incredible chase scene, but that sums up the extent what should have been an action packed comic romp. Oh, that and the exactly one climactic fight scene with Doom at the movie’s ending.

Finally, there is a small matter of Galactus. Galactus is the giant world eating baddie that shows up in the Marvel universe from time to time. Galactus looks like this in the comic world:

Galactus looks more like this in the movie

One can see my utter disappointment at this turn of events.

Don’t see this movie. If you’re a comic geek, you’ll writhe in pain for weeks after the viewing. If you’re an average Joe looking for an entertaining film, look elsewhere. Just don’t reinforce the bad film making from Marvel by giving them your hard earned dollar.

Stardust Trailer

2007-06-07T23:51:00.000-05:00

This one could be good, or it could suck the air out of the theater. I think I'll see it just for DeNiro flying pirate bit. Plus there's a special place in my heart for Clare Danes...

Stardust Trailer

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Bruce Campbell Hungry Like a Wolf; Old Spice Commercial

2007-06-06T22:37:00.000-05:00

This truly has to be one of the best commercials ever made. Too bad for the Old Spice folks it doesn't entice me to buy their product. But you on the other hand, you really need to splash some on.

The first video link is the commercial itself. The next is a behind the scenes look at the making of Bruce's homage to Duran Duran.

Battlestar Galactica to End

2007-06-02T07:11:00.000-05:00

FRACK! It seems that the 4th season of Battlestar Galactica will be it. The producers of the show Ronald Moore and David Eick have pulled the plug simply saying it's time for it to end. Ok guys, that's great, but did you think about us poor geeks that need the show. I guess it will be back to watching the second season of Maude for me on Friday nights.

The full scoop on the series ending can be found here

Starcraft 2 Trailer

2007-05-31T23:52:00.000-05:00

The boys and girls from Bilzzard are back in action again to revive Starcraft. Blizzard's press release can be found here. Even if you're not into RTS games, check out the trailer. It will make you wish that someone out there would do a CGI Starship Troopers movie the way Heinlein wrote it, if nothing else.

And of other note, Gaming Steve posted a rumor about Diablo 3. I know what's on my Christmas list this year.

Ninjas, Ninjas Everywhere and Not a One to Hire.

2007-05-23T21:55:00.000-05:00

I am constantly amazed at the number of Ninjas there are sprouting up these days. They seem to be hiding behind every bush and on a majority of You Tube videos. The trend is very disturbing to me because of my understanding of basic economic principles. Follow the logic and see if you come to the same supposition that I have.

The demand for Ninjas has exceeded the past supply of Ninjas; therefore wages for Ninjas would be at a premium. This would make becoming a Ninja an attractive career opportunity for anyone entering the workforce. A secondary market would be created for training Ninjas. Easier access to Ninja training would facilitate more Ninjas entering the workforce. The increasing the number of Ninjas would only elevate their visibility to the public.

The conundrum is why has the demand for Ninjas increased? Historically, Ninjas have been utilized in roles of gathering intelligence, sabotage, or assassination. As we’ve seen there is a rising supply of Ninjas, with that will come a point where supply outstrips demand. Prices for Ninjas will decrease making the services of Ninjas more accessible to the middle class. Ninjas could become as common as MP3 players or flat screen TVs. Fear and trepidation will spread through the populace like wildfire. We will wonder if Ninjas have been hired by the neighborhood association to take you out for shoddy lawn care. Is your fiancé using a Ninja to make sure you are on the straight and narrow? Was that mosquito bite at this weekend’s cookout really a mosquito bite; or some slow acting Ninja poison administered via a Ninja dart?

Folks, see the proof for yourself. This poster was seen hanging on a light pole on your average street in the city of Nashville. Beware citizens, this guy could be training a Ninja with your name emblazoned on his forehead.

Ye Olde Goat of Death

2007-05-19T16:08:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure if this is cruel or just plain old farm boys having fun...

Farmers with too much time on their hands

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Highlander: The Search for Vengeance

2007-05-08T12:21:00.000-05:00

Highlander meets Anime... Go figure. I'm sure this will satisfy you hard-core Planet Zeist loving Highlander fans out there..

Fear of Girls

2007-04-30T02:02:00.000-05:00

OK... now I often refer to myself as a geek. But this brings geek to a whole new level. I would say a Level 15 geek. At that level you get a bonus on every check against reality roll and a +10% resistance towards personal hygiene.

Fear of Girls

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Marvel Ultimate Alliance Character Packs

2007-04-26T09:24:00.000-05:00

I truly am the world’s oldest 12 year-old. This morning I got up bright and early to download the new Xbox 360 content for Marvel Ultimate Alliance. The content download includes 8 new characters to choose from. Cyclops, Nightcrawler, Hulk, Hawkeye, Venom, Magneto, Sabertooth and Doctor Doom are now at your fingertips to battle the forces of comic book geek evil.

The downloads come in three flavors. You can download the new heroes or villains separately for 500 MS Points each, or get all both sets together for 800 points. Do yourself a favor and get the combination pack. Remember, a true geek wants to have the full collection of anything.

I’ve taken a nerdly pleasure this morning by smacking Doombots with Doctor Doom and tendriling unsuspecting AIM Agents with Venom. Nightcrawler is even done well. His level one attack is a teleporting leg sweep; this seems to take out those annoying bad guys with shields. The Hulk will even satisfy those hard core Marvel fan boys and girls out there. Foot stomps, cyclone punches, and flying leaps are included in his arsenal of powers. Of the lot, Hawkeye is the token lame character. His multi-shot arrows and hyper speed boosts leave one wishing they had included a true backwater mutant like Dazzler.

Along with the extra character one gets some new achievements to shoot for. Most of these have to do with unlocking all the extra costumes of a specific character. That’s great unless your buddies talked you into entering the cheat code to unlock all the costumes. Even starting a new game will still enable this cheat.

So do yourself a favor Poindexter, go home from work tonight and download the character packs. Call up your buddies and get your geek on while pummeling the forces of evil into a fine paste.

Happy Earth Day

2007-04-22T21:50:00.000-05:00

Video Testimony of What Magic Random Stuff Can Do in Your Life

2007-04-22T11:54:00.000-05:00

Here's a video testimony of what being in the Random Stuff "Inner Circle" can do for you, and your business.

The Ghost of Misconceptions Past

2007-04-16T01:15:00.000-05:00

My horoscope today read:”Today you will be beset by those that would like to take a piece of your immortal soul. So get ahead of the 8-ball and do some confessing before you end up with a demon sucking your essence through a vestigial third nipple.” Thanks Ms. Cleo. In the attitude of not wishing to hack off the spirit world, I thought I would confess some of the misconceptions I’ve had throughout my life. I’ll contact my spiritual guide in the morning for what I have to do to atone for said foibles.

For years, I thought the title of the Alan Parson’s Project song was “Gay People Playing in the Middle of the Night” The lyrics make much more sense that way.

When I was a child, I thought there was some point that the world turned from black and white into color. How else could one explain one day of syndicated Gilligan’s Island in color and the next day it was in B&W? Some great cosmic event must have introduced the full spectrum of colors into the universe sometime around 1965.

It wasn’t until the 1988 Grammy Awards that I realized Tracy Chapman was a woman.

I would have sworn that there, as of today, would be video of a Sesame Street Mumenschantz performance on You Tube. I guess the toilet paper roll, clay faced freaks are lost to the world forever.

My grandmother use to refer to a common Idaho potato as, what sounded like, an “arsh potato”. I never had any idea what variety of potato that could be. I was 14 when I realized that she was intoning an Ashland City version of “Irish potato”.

I thought it would be a good idea to ask a Ouija Board what the winning Powerball numbers would be on a given week. Should you try this, you will be sorely disappointed. The planchette kept pointing to “Good-Bye” and I had a bad case of gas for the next few days. I’m not sure if the events are connected, but I had to sacrifice an entire bottle of Gas-X to banish the evil spirits. (Related note, when looking up Ouija Board on Wiki to make sure I spelled planchette correctly, I found that the first person to patent the Ouija was a Charles Kennard. Freaky, huh?)

Nothing good has ever, ever, ever come of someone saying at 2:10 am, “Hey let’s do shots of Jagermeister before last call.” The last time I did that I woke up next to a Taco Bell bag. Literally, a paper sack from Taco Bell; not an older lady that works for Taco Bell. I’m not sure how the bag got there, and for obvious reasons I don’t want to know.

And finally, it might seem to be a good idea when one runs of toilet paper in a weekend get-away cabin to use a towel. Then to cover up the crime, hide said towel under the sink. You will get busted by that friend of yours that does a very thorough final check for toiletries before you leave the cabin every time… Sorry to the unnamed chum that found that one.

Whew! I feel better now. I think I see my jackalope spirit guide in the clouds beckoning me to bed. I’m sure to dream of other adventures and light my path so I can avoid similar mistakes in the future.

Go Speed Racer, GO!

2007-04-14T23:33:00.000-05:00

When I was a child there were a few times that I honestly thought my parents would physically harm me. The most memorable time was when I talked Dad into turning off a football game so I could watch Speed Racer. I’m sure Dad just wanted me to quit whining, but he dutifully watched it with me. After the episode was over, I was sitting on the edge of the 70’s style nauga-plush couch wondering who Racer X was and why he had it in for Speed. Dad had a totally different viewing experience. He thought the cartoon was so ludicrous that it almost resulted in violence to his number one son.

Well Dad, I’ve come to redeem myself. Yahoo just reported that Christina Ricci has agreed to play Trixie in the upcoming Speed Racer live action movie. If that wasn’t enough for you Dad, the guys that did the Matrix are writing and directing it. John Goodman is slated in the role of “Pops” and Susan Sarandon will play “Wife of Pops”. There’s no indication at this point who will be taking the role of Chim-Chim. (Dear Wachowski Brothers, if you’re reading this; I would be very interested in the primate’s part…)

If this doesn’t sound like it’s shaping up to be man movie, I’m not sure what is. So Dad, can we PLEASE, give Speed Racer another chance? And this time, please don’t wear your thick leather belt to the theater.

Government Subsidies for Lawn Care

2007-04-13T00:45:00.000-05:00

Spring. The funk of March has been cleared away and the taxman should be sowing grass in my front yard. The tax man you say? One would have thought it to be someone from Chemlawn or Roy’s Seed and Laxative Farm that would be planting grass and caring for your yard. The two afore mentioned companies are too rich for my blood, so I’ve decided to beg the help of any Local, State, Federal, or International organization to come to my aid.

It’s quite simple. I have a need that I cannot satisfy due to discrimination. Not the heinous Don Imus style discrimination, more like the Elaine from Seinfeld ban from ordering Chinese take out type of discrimination. I have come to find out that I must have been black balled by the lawn care community in Nashville. No one in the Nashville area seems to be willing or able to provide me with the quality lawn care that is surely a Constitutional Right that ever American has.

In those last three weeks we have been on the hunt for someone to service our lawn. The company we’ve been turning to for the last few years to maintain Fort Donelson’s grandeur must have fired us. There is a distinct feeling one has after a mediocre date, the rejection dread that your phone calls and emails will never be returned. I have gotten this vibe from our one time beloved lawn crew this season.

The result has been grass that is slightly out of control. Our neighbors have begun to shun us. Jim Fowler from Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom has placed a call to Laura about filming a segment in our front yard. Dogs and cats have started to live together in sin under the maple tree. Something has to be done.

One might ask why I don’t get off my duff and do it myself? The answer is that I’m an adult and I don’t want to. I work 50 plus hours a week and have no desire to play NASCAR with a lawn mower for an extra hour a week. This brings me to why the government should step in. My experience is demonstrates that there is a shortage of lawn care providers in the Metro Nashville area. I’m sure this inequity is a violation of the Interstate Commerce Clause, and thus is the purview of the government.

The Federal Government provides subsides to Wal-Mart, soybeans farmers, and research on how cow farts contribute to global warming. As a matter of fact, these subsidies could be used to entice lawn service professionals to use electric lawn mowers. That would create a carbon credit and my yard could be the test site. Further subsides should be given for pressing inmates, juvenile delinquents, and Zamfir; “Master of the Pan Flute” fans into governmental lawn care. The result is obvious, a happier populace with fewer gangs of teenager blasting Zamfir music in parking lots across the nation.

Friends, neighbors (well not the ones that are hacked because my lawn looks like crap, but the other neighbors), countrymen; lend me your lawns. Call your representatives to implement this plan with haste. Not only could you never have to cut a blade of grass again, but think what you would be doing to stop Global Warming. Think of the plant folks, and the children. And by the way, if you know of someone that cuts grass, let me know; will you...

Good Bye Blue Wednesday, or How I Came to Mark the Passing of Kurt Vonnegut

2007-04-12T01:32:00.000-05:00

Tonight, I had planned on writing a ramble about the lack of governmental subsidized lawn care. When opening up my home page, I was confronted with some sad news. Seventeen minutes before I opened my home page, AP reported that Kurt Vonnegut had died. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the life and works of Vonnegut, the AP article can be found here.

I was first introduced to Vonnegut in high school. Around the 10^th grade we were required to read Harrison Bergeron in English class. I thought it strange, even then, that a public school would require students to read something so politically incorrect. I’m convinced that the Metro Nashville School Board was duped into buying a text book with this short story in it. Some publishing house agent must have given away a few golf trips to Florida to sneak it in the curriculum.

Being an inquisitive youth, I ask my English teacher about Vonnegut. After getting the basic bio and literature lesson, she suggested that I would probably like Cat's Cradle . During lunch that day, I went to the school library to check out a copy. I was astounded to find that our library did not carry a single copy of Vonnegut’s works. Our librarian told me that there was some “inappropriate material for young readers” in his books and they were not included in her collection. The conundrum of having an author as required reading for a course and not carrying his works in the school library would have appealed to Vonnegut’s sense of the absurd.

Luckily, a used bookstore owners whose primary trade in selling the soft core porn of Harlequin Romances has fewer scruples. I snapped up a copy of Breakfast of Champions and Welcome to the Monkey House for less than a buck that very afternoon. After reading the novel and the collection of short stories, something opened in my mind. The beautifully bizarre Vonnegut universe of heartache, synchronicity, bad science fiction writers, mental defects, how aliens perceive double entendres, social commentary, and the human sphincter somehow fit into an angst riddled teenager’s world. I don’t think I’ve been the same since.

For those of you who have read Vonnegut and my blog can attest to that. In Bagombo Snuff Box: Uncollected Short Fiction,, Vonnegut stated that there are eight rules for writing that have always helped me write anything.

1. Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted.
2. Give the reader at least one character he or she can root for.
3. Every character should want something, even if it is only a glass of water.
4. Every sentence must do one of two things -- reveal character or advance the action.
5. Start as close to the end as possible.
6. Be a sadist. No matter how sweet and innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them -- in order that the reader may see what they are made of.
7. Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia.
8. Give your readers as much information as possible as soon as possible. To heck with suspense. Readers should have such complete understanding of what is going on, where and why, that they could finish the story themselves, should cockroaches eat the last few pages.

Thanks Kurt. You whispered cosmic truths to me at just the right age. Your works came to me before I was too addled by what “normal” people taught me to infect my entire life. You’ll be missed. So it goes. Maybe Government subsidized lawn service doesn’t sound so off the mark after all….

Technology

2007-03-31T23:54:00.000-05:00

Werewolves of Atlanta?

2007-03-26T22:09:00.000-05:00

BK drinks a pina colada at Trader Vic's, his hair much less than perfect.. Story soon to follow.

Heaven, I'm in Heaven....

2007-03-21T22:22:00.000-05:00

Road Rules

2007-03-20T22:16:00.000-05:00

The month of March is almost over and for once I can say good riddance. The month has been fraught with personal and work issues. I hope the old adage is correct and out like a lamb she goes…

There have been a few bright spots about the month. First of all, friend of Random Stuff Chris Massey has started out on a road trip documentary adventure. Check out Million Dollar Documentary for his quest to get one million people to give him a dollar. With Chris' hijra in mind, I know in the coming months there are many couples and families that will be taking their first road trip together.

I personally think that a road trip is a crucible for any relationship. You never really know what your significant other is like until you pull into a cheap motel after a good hard 10 hours on the road. The guys that you play poker with on Thursday night are all great guys, right? Nothing will bust up a friendship like knowing "good ole Dan" likes to sing off tune Billie Holiday songs while driving.

Most of you green horns out there will jump into a car with your selected group and pray things work out well. Sad days will lie ahead of you if you choose this path. Folks you have to prepare for the experience. Don’t go willy-nilly out on the road without knowing what your travel companions are made of. I’ve created this simple road test that you should give anyone you are planning on spending more than 15 minutes in a car with this year.

1. What has caused this gook to form on the driver’s side wind shield of this vehicle?

2. You go into a Chitco’s bathroom 30 miles outside of Amarillo. You see two urinals, a toilet, a sink, a paper towel dispenser, a trash can, and a roach dead in the floor drain. One of your companions yells, “How many holes is it?” Your response is……

3. The motto of any road trip is economy with dignity. With this in mind, you are in need of filling up your cooler with ice. How do you solve this problem?

4. Fill in the blank.

5. Your goal on any road trip is to make good time. Name 5 items that you should keep in your vehicle to insure this happens.

6. At a sporting event or church, when someone pulls their pants down to show their buttocks to the world it’s known as “mooning”. On the road, when someone does this with their window rolled up its known as what? For extra credit: if their window is rolled down, what is this known as?

7. Your girlfriend wants to drive for a little while because you look tired. She suggests that you can take a nap while she’s driving. What is the out come of letting her drive?

8. The above mentioned Dan is driving and does start in with his version of I Cried for You. How do you stop this madness?

9. World’s Largest Ball of String; stop or pass it by?

11. Follow up your answer on number 10 with adding to the situation: an angry dog, a pothole, and a corn dog.

12. The caption for this photo should be:

Answers

1. Mustard from an unfinished hot dog that was thrown out the window. This violates not only the Al Gore highway beautification act, but is a serious waste of a highway treat.

2. The answer is at least 5. The sink and floor drain can be used in an emergency if someone needs to tinkle. If you answered 6 for the trash can, you must have finished the hot dog in question 1.

3. You pull up to the nearest motel and fill up from the ice machine nearest the pool. You get the advantage of free ice and ogling the gender of your choice by the pool.

4. Rock City. If you live in the South and didn’t get this one, Homeland Security will be at your house any minute to take you to Guantanamo.

5. Wide mouthed mason jars (with lids), a pack of the cheapest cigars money can buy, a jiggling hoola girl blessed by your holy man of choice, a MP3 player, and current satellite data of your route freshly hacked from the CIA by your 6 year old.

6. With the window up this is know as “pressed ham”. With the window down, this practice is known as plain stupid. Have you seen the kind of bugs your windshield picks up on a road trip? A hornet hitting your can at 80 miles an hour smarts.

7. You will doze off to sleep in about 15 minutes. At minute 16, she will nudge you and start with a laundry list of questions she copied off Dr. Phil’s web site about your relationship.

8. Have Dan pull over at the nearest gas station, by telling him you are poking a wee turtle head. Tell Dan while you’re pinching a loaf, you’ll spring for snacks. When Dan gets into the gas station, drive off and leave him stranded. Cruel you say? Dan knows all about Darwin and should have seen this coming.

9. Never travel with anyone that would say pass by a road side attraction. They are some of the holiest places left in America….

11. Sucker. If you thought there was a number 10, then you’d miss your next turn off and are not worthy of driving to the Quicky-Mart.

12. Caption contest ends 30 Mar 07 at 11:59pm. Your caption must be put in as a comment to this blog. The prize will be determined by the response…

Odd Response to Bruce Campbell’s Old Spice Commercial

2007-02-20T17:10:00.000-06:00

You'll just have to watch this. I'm not sure I have the vocabulary to describe it. I would suggest watching Bruce's commercial here first if you haven't seen it.

Team Venture pairs up with Chevy

2007-02-20T02:58:00.000-06:00

In an effort to increase market share, Chevrolet announced today that they will be releasing a special Venture Brothers edition of their popular Venture minivan. A design consultant at Chevy said that "This minivan is so bulked up; it would make Brock proud to sit behind the wheel." The source later revealed that Doctor Thaddeus Venture was instrumental in the design process. Doctor Venture was unable to be reached for comment.

Movie Review: Ghost Rider

2007-02-15T23:03:00.000-06:00

I thank what ever angel that watches over me that I had to work the night the Catwoman sneak showed in Nashville. A couple of friends of mine were not so lucky. They told me the film was so bad that they felt the need to exact vengeance on the world for the waste of their time. This payback came in the form of convincing a third friend that the Halle Berry film was head and shoulders above other comic book films. The stunt worked, and duping someone in this way is now known as “pulling a Catwoman”. After seeing Ghost Rider, there should be a change in nomenclature.

I’m not quite sure what made Ghost Rider so horrible. Was it the Redman stains on a script that was written during yellow flags at the Daytona 500? It could have been the actors performances were driven by direction gleaned from focus groups of 12 year olds Anson Williams hopped up on Redbull and red-hots? (Thanks to Bear for that line. Sorry you had to vomit so many times during the film) The why is unimportant, the reality is the folks at Marvel jumped the shark with Ghost Rider.

The story chronicles the life of Johnny Blaze, an Evel Knievel-ish motorcycle daredevil. Johnny makes a deal with the Devil for his soul in exchange for healing his father’s terminal cancer. The deal is made in less time and emotional energy than it takes to order a Big Mac, and Johnny becomes the world’s next Ghost Rider (A sort of bounty hunter for ole split foot). Along the way Johnny leaves the love of his life, becomes the biggest stuntman since Super Dave Osborne, and is called upon to stop a group of four demons from bringing about the end of the world. Who the demons are and how they are going to bring about the end of the world isn’t very clear.

Why anyone would be compelled by the heroic characters is equally as vague. Nicholas Cage’s characterization of Johnny Blaze was a step above a snickering Bevis. There were a few attempts at making the character quirky and memorable. Blaze listens to Carpenter’s songs while guzzling coffee straight out of the pot before getting ready for his career defining big jump scene. That sums Blaze’s character development. Eva Mendes, as love interest Roxanne Simpson, is less believable than a high school cheerleader’s excuse of taking care of a sick mother for not going out with you on Saturday night.

The visuals and special effects aren’t bad, but far from carrying the film as just a piece of eye candy. If you’ve seen the trailers, you’ve seen all the cool action packed shots of the film. Surprisingly the best special effect is Eva Mendes’ anti-gravity bra pushing up her ever exposed cleavage.

Folks, don’t see this one. Don’t rent it. Don’t get it on Netflix. Don’t talk to anyone about thinking about seeing it. And please pray that Stan Lee was paying closer attention to Spiderman 3 and Fantastic Four 2 to watch the dailies of Ghost Rider. If this is any indication of what we have to look forward to this year for Marvel Comics’ movies, we should all start reading Nora Roberts.

Evil Skwerl

2007-01-30T23:26:00.000-06:00

In my line of work I have to deal with in bound freight brought to my establishment by tractor-trailers. The east bound and down, convoy rolling through the night, 53 foot big rigs that cris-cross the country supplying every need we have. One aspect of a trailer’s existence is internal graffiti. We’ve all seen the “Jesus saves” or “Visualize world peace” written on dust on trailer’s doors. This is by no means the only graffiti that adorns our nation’s cargo haulers.

The freight business breeds conditions that would heighten the need to express one’s self. Long hours of isolation, the stress of keeping time tables, long waits at pick up/drop off points, and time away from home are contributing factors for a desire of self expression. I hypothesize that this is why inside most trailers can be found a plethora of the world’s most colorful graffiti. Most examples I am unable to print in this public forum.

The picture below is an example of said trucker art. This particular piece speaks to me on a number of levels.

Those that know me will know exactly why: my love for all things skwerl and an interest in crypto-zoology. There is no mistaking the evil skwerl as being part of the chupacabra legend. There’s a little known story of a peyote eating male chupacabra mating with a Red Foxx Skwerl on the outskirts of Tijuana. The result was an abomination of both species.

Known as the ardilla malvada to locals, the prime Skwerl adopted many of the physical characteristics of its mother. This new breed looked like any other skwerl, only slightly larger. From the father, the hybrid gained enhanced strength and speed, night vision, elongated teeth, and a carnivores’ appetite. A dangerous combination for a species of skwerl that is known to be protective of its warren’s territory. If you recall, a Red Foxx Skwerl is immortalized in Hawthorne’s The Scarlet Letter. This animal flings a nut at Hester Prynn’s child, beaning little Pearl’s head.

The Ardilla Malvada prime began to mate with the regular Red Foxx Skwerl population. Luckily there were few births in the first generation of Ardilla Malvada. Had the population grown to the density of skwerl in most cities’ parks, we all would have been in trouble. Small packs of Ardilla would band together in hunting groups. Some stories say that no fewer than five of these little boogers could take down a Bambi sized fawn in a matter of minutes.

Of course I have no hard proof that they exist and all my information is from a Coast-to-Coast AM caller. I didn’t think they really existed. At least till tonight when I saw the pictogram for myself. So the next time you’re in a public park or out hiking a back trail, watch out. Once an Evil Skwerl gets a taste for human blood, they will never eat anything else again….

My Son the Jedi

2007-01-27T10:13:00.000-06:00

Looks like my little boy has grown up to save the galaxy with his fellow Jedi...
They grow up so fast.

Smokin' Aces Review

2007-01-25T19:07:00.000-06:00

There is something in the American adult male psyche that has an adolescent craving to see violent acts on film. I’m sure it’s the influence of video games and music videos that warps our normally genteel sensibilities into a near Klingon blood lust. I’ll channel Freud later and ask him why this need exists and furthermore why Smokin’ Aces satisfied the longing so completely.

The trailers portray a straight forward plot line of a mob informant who has a million dollar contract out on his head. Groups of colorful assassins then head out in a It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad World dash to whack the mark. The mark is none other than Vegas magician Buddy “Aces” Israel. A freaked out Buddy is biding his time in a Reno hotel suite until the Feds finalize an immunity deal that will spirit him to safety.

Since we’ve entered Doug Henning’s world of illusion through Buddy, nothing is as it seems. The plot takes a number of twists along the way that make all of the previously mentioned gratuitous violence an integral character. Yes, the film is violent. But we are dipping into a world of bad men and women trying to kill someone. The overall feel of the first half of the film is light and almost cartoonish in it’s portrayal of these acts. Much in the same way The Big Hit , a few years back did.

Structurally, one might think that the divergent back stories and ensemble cast would make a confusing mess of any film. It might if you don’t pay just the slightest bit of attention. The script does throw a huge number of characters at you, but doesn’t over or under develop any of them. It’s almost like a miniskirt; long enough to cover everything, but short enough to be interesting.

Each character has very clearly defined motives that are generally shown by implication. The clever script leaves one with strong enough clues to work out what’s going on in the character’s heads without bashing yours in. In that respect the hit person duo of Alicia Keys and Taraji P. Henson steal the show. At the end, one is feeling sorry for the 50 cal sniper toting Henson in spite of her brutal profession.

The remainder of the cast gives almost equally as strong a performance. Jeremy Piven (as Buddy Israel) is plays a very believable despicably likable pseudo-mob figure. (Could I have strung any more adjectives together in that sentence?) The FBI triangle of Ryan Reynolds, Ray Liotta, and Andy Garcia are equally as believable in their motivations. Rapper Common even hits it out of the park as Buddy’s chief lieutenant.

Along the way the minor characters turn out to be the most memorable. The trailer park Karate Kid and Jason Bateman top that list. The unexplained characterizations of these two really make you wish they get more screen time in some DVD director’s cut. If I'm lucky Santa will have one under the tree for me next Christmas.

Smokin’ Aces made me laugh, it made me cry, and it became a part of me… I dug everything about it. I would have felt good paying full price and buying $30 worth of snacks. Not since Rumble in the Bronx have I walked out of a film saying, "That kicked ass!", over and over again…

Testing Fate and Learning Flyte...

2007-01-19T21:46:00.000-06:00

I've been meaning to post this forever and keep forgetting to. These are some comments from one of the Chefs at Nashville's hippest new restaurant Flyte, Jen. If you haven't been to Flyte you're not hip and trendy. That's why I haven't been yet, but the Scene gave it a good review. Jen sent this to me this summer, and I've been meaning to post it since. If you would like to lavish Jen with praises, stop by Flyte for dinner and tell her how clever she is. The first part is a real news story...

Lioness in zoo kills man who invoked God
Mon Jun 5, 8:31 AM ET
KIEV (Reuters) - A man shouting that God would keep him safe was mauled to death by a lioness in Kiev zoo after he crept into the animal's enclosure, a zoo official said on Monday. "The man shouted 'God will save me, if he exists', lowered himself by a rope into the enclosure, took his shoes off and went up to the lions," the official said.
"A lioness went straight for him, knocked him down and severed his carotid artery." The incident, Sunday evening when the zoo was packed with visitors, was the first of its kind at the attraction. Lions and tigers are kept in an "animal island" protected by thick concrete blocks.

Jen's thoughts on the matter...
Top Things to do Before You Try This Would be:

1. Make sure you believe in the correct god, the one that saves you from lions.
2. Make sure you’ve talked to your god recently; perhaps feel him/her out on their opinion on saving people from zoo exhibits that were intentionally designed to keep people on the outside, and man-eating animals on the inside.
3. Make sure god’s schedule is clear that week, you don’t want to be hanging above lions and find out god is having his/her hair done.
4. Maybe give god a 5 second window – stick just a foot in and if god doesn’t show up within 5 seconds come back later.
5. Make sure the lions don’t believe in a better god than you do. How do you know that lion god doesn’t protect lions from stupid people who enter their cages and present themselves like a Hungry Man meal?
6. Maybe try watching some Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom first. If god was so interested in saving beings from lions he/she probably would have started a tradition that would be well documented by now.

Sunshine Trailer

2007-01-18T12:57:00.000-06:00

For those of you out there that dug Trainspotting and 28 Days Later check out this exclusive trailer of Danny Boyle's latest flick Sunshine. I think this is going to be a good one.

Embed This Video | Visit Fox Searchlight

Bruce Campbell is the Mark of a Man

2007-01-17T23:25:00.000-06:00

I think if I could go out drinking with one celebrity, it would have to be Bruce Campbell. That's in a mannly, slap each other on the back and swap stories going out drinking. Not a come hither, batting of the eye-lash, have a drink with me sometime have a drink. At any rate, if you haven't seen Bruce in his new Old Spice commercial, you don't have it...

del Toro to take on Lovecraft?

2007-01-12T00:12:00.000-06:00

The only thing that excites me more than the prospect of Guillermo del Toro doing Hellboy 2, is what he has next in mind. In a Sci-Fi Wire article, del Toro says he’d like to direct a film version of H.P. Lovecraft’s In the Mouth of Madness. (No, we’re not talking about a remake of that crappy Sam Neil flick) If you have any doubts that del Toro could do justice to the father of modern horror’s work, you haven’t seen Pan’s Labyrinth.

You might have seen this headline floating around on the geek blog circuits and not actually read the article. For those who have taken a closer look knows del Toro isn’t planning on resting on his laurels. Other projects he is contemplating are: a new version of Tarzan (sans all the singing and Rosie O’Donnell), and a film called Silver he’s been writing on for the past 13 years. All we know about Silver is that it has to do with Mexico, vampires, and wrestlers. I guess that would make Jack Black the badest, most kick ass, vampire hunter in all of Mexico.

Highlander: The Source

2007-01-11T13:28:00.000-06:00

This trailer for the latest Highlander film has made it's rounds on You Tube. In doing a little research, the film is about Duncan Macleod trying to find the source of the Immortals power. I really, really hope this doesn't lead to the planet Ziest again. Also, there is nothing wrong with your computer, there is no audio for the first 30 seconds of the clip.

Alpha Dog Review

2007-01-09T23:18:00.000-06:00

“I'm a educated fool, with money on my mind
Got my ten in my hand and a gleam in my eye
I'm a loced-out gangsta, set-trippin banger
And my homies is down, so don't arouse my anger, fool

Death ain't nothing but a heart beat away
I'm livin life do-or-die ah, what can I say?
I'm twenty-three now, but will I live to see twenty-fo'?
The way things are goin I don't know”

Coolio, Gangsta’s Paradise

By watching the trailers and reading the blurbs, one would think that Alpha Dog is a modern day treatment of the famous Leopold and Lobe case. With tag lines like “A crime with this many witnesses, should never have gone this far”, one would think a certain connection would not be far off the mark. Well that’s as far as the connection goes. While Leopold and Lobe are of genius stature, the characters in Alpha Dog would have to make frequent trips to the brain bank to measure up.

Alpha Dog is a social commentary that is loosely based on events of six days in August 2000 that lead to the death of Nicholas Markowitz. The movie plot, and real life event, centers on mid-level drug dealers in Southern California trying to settle a $1200 debt with Markowitz’s older brother. While attempting to settle the tab with the elder Markowitz, our bumbling ganstas see Nicholas and kidnap him as a marker for the debt. Nicholas spends a few days partying with his new buddies eventually getting knocked in the head. Evidently kidnappers think the score of witnesses at their parties might link them with Markowitz.

The film’s underlying theme is that the glamorization of rap videos, desensitization of violence through video games has lead all of these youth down a primrose path. Every time I noticed a TV in the film, there was a rap video or video game on screen.While filmmaker and writer Nick Cassavetes places time stamps on the film and gives it a documentary back drop, the film makes no serious attempt to link back to real life events. Changing the names and certain events from real life into a Hollywood script takes a huge hit on the film’s underlying message. Like the raps and video games, the script turns into another dose of Hollywood fantasy.

Anachronism alert!!. The film is set in 1999. In once scene Justin Timberlake is playing a video game on an Xbox. Xboxes were not released in North American until 15 Nov 2001. If that doesn’t get me into the geek hall of fame, nothing will.

What is tragic about the real life and movie events is that the weak spirited do fall prey to the over stimuli of certain lifestyles. Whatever that particular lifestyle is, there will always be those that are seduced to an extreme level. There will always be those that follow like lemmings behind a stronger personality. The film’s real message should have been arm your children against the Svengalis out there. Men and women in the big bad world that possess this level of magnetism are infinitely more dangerous than locking someone up with an Xbox and an MP3 player chocked full of Time Life’s Greatest Thug Hits of all time.

The cast does portray all these archetypes to a key. Emil Hirsh portrays the group’s leader and simply does so by his ability to direct his minions and make decisions. Shawn Hatosy portrays Hirsh’s adoring lackey like he had spent time on an 18^th Century British Man-of War. Even Justin Timberlake gets his inner Dr. Phillish badass on the big screen. Together with the mobbed up Bruce Willis and Harry Dean Stanton (who is always my choice for the washed up drunk role), a few more minor sycophants and hotties at parties, the wide eyed Anton Yelchin make the expected Hollywood roles work.

It’s worth a look if you’re up for Hollywood calling the kettle black.

And That's a Wrap...

2007-01-04T23:23:00.000-06:00

It has taken me 4 days to convince myself that the 2006 holiday season is finally over with. The space from 1 Nov to 31 Dec turns me into something akin to Atlas and Sisyphus’ bastard love child. Between my friends, family, job, and dodging Burl Ives; life can get a little wiggy during this 61 day period. And the chorus of Tralfamadorians that reside in my head sing, “So it goes…”

In the journal of this year’s holiday season, I thought I would share some bullet point successes and failures, in clearing the books on naught-six. I have few hopes that this blog will serve any purpose other than releasing the pent up psycho-creative backwash that swims in between my ears. So take the red pill and ride the wave baby.

Successes

Lasting through the entire Nashville Christmas parade with my son without freezing to death or taking a hostage.

Carving the Thanksgiving turkey with a nail file from a knock off brand Swiss Army Knife

Not getting caught by Metro for driving on expired tags

Talking Laura into using a beaver puppet and Burt the stuffed squirrel as Christmas Tree decorations.

Beating Richard Nixon’s record for Maalox consumed in a 24 hour period of time.

Not physically or verbally abusing the guy in the mall that claimed, “Celine Dion can make anything sound wonderful.”

Finding out that South Beach Meal Replacement Bars give me worse gas than a trough full of cabbage, broccoli, and brussle sprouts.

Dressed as an elf and went from office party to office party in a Downtown building. No one was the wiser…

Failures

Burl Ives whooped my large white bottom on the 15^th of November. You’ve bested me again fat man.

Attempted to seek the wisdom of three wise men and got the same response from all, “Don’t eat at a Mexican place that doesn’t warn you that the plates are hot.” I was hoping for a little more substance than that.

Loosing an argument with a woman that since 1979 the incremental size increase of chicken legs was not a government plot.

Being questioned by the FBI about my sale of a Play Station 4 on Ebay

Did not stave off turning 34

Not shooting someone’s eye out with an official Red Ryder carbine action two-hundred shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock.

Finding out that Boxing Day does not mean that you dress for work as your favorite boxer.

Well that puts a lid on the major events of the holiday season. Happy Festivus to all and to all a good night.

Oh Fudge!

2006-12-01T00:36:00.000-06:00

The fine folks at Steak and Shake on Bell Road have summed up my existence in one fail swoop.

Review: Darren Aronofsky's The Fountain

2006-11-16T23:25:00.000-06:00

After watching Darren Aronofsky's The Fountain tonight, I had to remind myself that the whole is a sum of its parts. Remind yourself of that simple fact if you choose to see this film. Take in the elements of cinematography, story line, and music selection on whole. In this way, The Fountain turns into an event on film, instead of a movie.

The mundane reason I throw this disclaimer in is that The Fountain weaves three different story lines into its broadcloth storyline. Extending over 1000 years, these three tales tell the story of what lengths a man will go to save the life of the woman he loves. The characters and current of this theme runs through: a conquistador looking for the fountain of youth, a present day doctor searching for a cure for cancer, and a bald bubble boy traveling in space with a tree. Hugh Jackman and Rachel Weisz play the two pure strand lovers caught up in their own tragic circumstances.

(Spolier: Those of you that thought that The Notebook was the greatest romance since Gone With the Wind: Don’t leave the house because you thought The Fountain was going to be another Kate and Leopold. You will want to smash something in a million pieces if you last to the end of the movie.)

That’s what the surface story of the Fountain brings to the screen. What lies under the overlapping, time jumping tales is the visual symbolism and external references that Aronofsky brings to the screen. I admit it; I’m a sucker for looking for the clues to a film’s deeper meaning by this means. That’s why I’m drawn to Aronofsky’s films. PI is a primary example of what a film for an analytical mind can be. The Fountain runs a close second.

So be prepared to use some grey matter while viewing. (I’m also assuming that this is why The Fountain was booed at Venice Film Festival this year. Gray matter takes a hike in Italy at times, or so I hear) Things like a hospital room number 620 will then take some meaning. What could one extract from this? It could be a reference to Genesis 6:20 that reads “Of fowls after their kind, and of cattle after their kind, of every creeping thing of the earth after his kind, two of every sort shall come unto thee, to keep them alive.” This fits with the goals Jackman’s present day character. Or it could be numerological in reference? Six divided by two is three. Three has mystical import to many religions. Or it could be that the set designer’s birthday was on June 20^th. But that’s the fun of a movie like this.

The viewer actively becomes part of the film’s goals and solutions. Aronofsky does not cut any slack to the viewers in this regard. There are no long pauses and close ups on images that should have meaning. You get the rare chance to make of this film what you will, in any fashion you like. I truly hope this was Aronofsky’s goal.

Unfortunately, this is why it is likely to flop at the box office. The majority of people that see The Fountain will hate it. That’s a true shame. I say cast your vote for a film that reinforces to Hollywood that Americans are capable of independent thought. Maybe the big wigs will green light more films of this nature then. This is really funny coming from the guy that gave a thumbs up review on the Tenacious D movie.

Who Knows What Evil Lurks in the Blogs of Men? Google Knows

2006-11-16T22:02:00.000-06:00

I understand that I write a modest blog that fosters around 130 unique visitors a month. Ok, so I’m not setting any internet records with Random Stuff, but I enjoy writing it. Some of you actually dig reading the mishmash of reviews and life tales I present. So it goes.

This past weekend I was amazed at the number of hits I was getting on my review of Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny. The number of hits I got on this article was 5 to 6 times the normal rate in which my blog is visited. Great, this means that I can infect a larger group of people with my peculiar quirks and ramblings. Wondering why this was such an anomalie, I turned to Blog Patrol.

For those of you who haven’t noticed, Blog Patrol supports the counter I use on this blog and on my other blog Grail Seekers. It is a free service that not only tracks unique users that visit your blog, but other interesting Orwellian internet info. The service tracks: IP address of visitors, screen resolutions, operating systems, refers, times of the day your blog is visited, and key words used to find your blog in cyberland. It’s scary when you think of the information that is available from a free site. Think about what the folks that pay for your information can find out.

I could quickly see that the reason I was getting hits on my review. All of the refers were from Google searches. Doing a quick search on “Pick of Destiny Review”, I found that I was the second site listed for this phrase. Wow. My review was second only to the Rolling Stone’s review in Google land. Above IMDB, Movie Fone, Rotten Tomatoes, and Variety, sat Random Stuff. Someone on the information superhighway must like my work.

The hits kept rolling in until Monday, when they magically stopped. Thinking I had dropped down on the second page, I ran my search again. The drop in my key word stock was so great that it would have made Black Thursday look like a bump in the road. I grew weary of clicking on “next” after filtering through the first 25 pages without a mention of Random Stuff.

What gives? Did I hack someone off at Google over the weekend and they axed my listing? Was some long lost girlfriend working for Google and this was her last bit of revenge? I did some research into how Google ranks its searches. Turning to the masters themselves, the Google Geeks claim it’s a pigeon pecking system that picks its key word relevance ranking.

Of course this tongue and cheek gag is covering up the super secret algorithm that has made Google the number one search engine in the universe. Blah, they guard the secrets with their lives… Blah, blah, the Google compound is the coolest place in the world to work and is guarded by a sphinx resurrected from DNA found in Tut’s tomb. Blah bligity blah, they use blind-mute coders that work on independent strands to the code to insure it never gets out. Whatever urban legend you’ve heard, it’s probably not far from the truth. My original thesis of this article was that big web business didn’t like me one upping them on the search engine and made a call to Google to set things straight. Let me stress this was my thesis.

Now here’s the part that makes me want to pony up to Mel Gibson in Conspiracy Theory and hug a teddy bear holding a 9mm close when I sleep. I started writing this blog on Tuesday. Everything up to today, Thursday, was accurate. Today when I did a Google search on “Pick of Destiny Review” my listing is number 5 on the first page. What the frack is going on?

Now I’m beginning to think that Google has been employed by the CIA – Klingon alliance to screw with my head. Did Google know I was writing this article and was afraid I would discredit them? Or is this just some cyber fluke? I’m calling Art Bell tonight to find out.

Iron Man, Iron Man; Wherefore Art Thou Iron Man?

2006-11-12T10:02:00.000-06:00

I called my astrologer/fish monger yesterday to check out how the stars were aligning for me in the next few weeks. He told me that since Uranus was in the 4^th house of Gamma Epsilon Three, it was an advantageous time for me to do the following: Stock up on Gefilte Fish, visit IHOP late at night, and blog on comic related movies. I am a slave to the stars.

For those of you not in the know, Jon Favreau (Who was so money in Swingers) has gotten the go ahead to direct an Iron Man movie. The scuttlebutt is that Robert Downy Jr. will play Tony Stark. Ironic choice, since Tony Stark also had a substance abuse problem. Hopefully, Downy can stay out of jail long enough to start filming.

On Favreau’s My Space blog the following was posted:

“Iron Man will indeed be my next movie. Marvel is distributing it through Paramount which, for those of you playing at home, is also the studio that is developing John Carter of Mars. That project is still a huge priority for me and I am still very much attached to it both as a director and producer.

Iron Man is the first Marvel production under its new distribution arrangement. My hope is that this will be reflected in the quality of the movie. Their films are self-financed and, as a result, don't have to run the typical creative gauntlet of studio development. What Marvel says, goes.

As far as specifics, it will be set in the present and, as you would probably expect, includes a version of the origin story.

I have set up a MySpace discussion group. I will post new info there as things come together. The internet is full of faulty info. I wanted to have at least one place where the facts would be correct.”

Exciting times for those that live in our parent’s basement. I’m also intrigued by the John Carter of Mars reference. This Edgar Rice Burroughs character has had a few brushes with being brought to the big screen in recent years. Hopefully more to come…

Watchmen Movie is a Go??

2006-11-10T12:06:00.000-06:00

Being a self proclaimed geek, I would be remiss if I did not blog about something comic book related. I realize this is a shocker to most of you, however it must be done. One of my favorite pieces of comic fiction is the Watchmen series.

For those of you not as familiar with the geek universe, Alan Moore’s Watchmen is set an alternate 1985 universe. In this world: Richard Nixon is still president, the world is on the brink of nuclear war, and costume heroes have been outlawed. We’re not talking all powerful superheroes, the costume heroes in this universe were ordinary folks who took up their mantel to stave off common evils. Now, someone is killing them off.

The strength of the story lies in that the heroes are as ordinary as you or I. (The notable exception being Dr. Manhattan) The glory days of being a hero have been taken away from them by politicians. Wasting away in the day to day lives that we all lead, these once proud defenders of humanity are mechanics and housewives. When called upon to solve the murders of their compatriots, the costume heroes not only have the chance to save the world but to reclaim their former status. The most powerful sentiment in the tale is an age old quandary, what price is too much to pay for saving humanity from itself?

Sound familiar? Watchmen is arguably one of the most influential works in comic history. One has to go no further than The Incredibles to see the homages plastered all over the story line. And you though when you took your kids to the Incredibles, it was a fun original work…

Now after years of internet rumors, it looks like Watchmen will finally get a movie adaptation. Sci Fi channel’s web site has reported that Zach Snyder will direct the film. Snyder has currently directed the adaptation of Frank Miller’s 300 about the Battle of Thermopylae. (Check out the trailer on the 300’s web site) Other rumors swirling around about the Watchmen’s cast include: John Cusack as Night Owl, Sigourney Weaver as the Silk Spectre, and Daniel Craig as Rorschach. The rumor I’m waiting for is Dennis Farina as the Comedian.

At this point, I’m still not holding my breath. Those who have been waiting for a Watchmen movie have had to endure years of cruel rumors. Some of those include Darren Aronofsky directing the project, Watchmen being turned into a Cop Rock like musical, and the licensing being so jacked up a Watchmen movie would never see the light of day. (For a full list of ancient rumors check out this Wiki article.)

Stay tuned, cross your fingers, and buy a copy of Watchmen for your girlfriend in Canada.

Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny

2006-11-08T22:45:00.000-06:00

I have never made any qualms about being the world’s oldest 12 year-old. This is a role I have come to relish and the people in my life have come to expect of me. My mind is wired to play Xbox games on my days off, laugh at my own flatulence, and shirk responsibilities whenever possible. I have irrational fears of clowns, Burl Ives, and commitment. It’s who I am and it’s what I do best.

With this in mind, let me tell you the tale of the greatest movie of all time, Tenacious D in: The Pick of Destiny. Jack Black and Kyle Gass reprise their roles as the greatest rockers of all time. The plot is that of an ABC After School Special gone terribly wrong: boy leaves home, boy meets his rock master, boy and master form a band, the duo seeks out a guitar pick made from Satan’s tooth, and along the way they learn the lesson of true friendship.

If you’re familiar at all with any of Tenacious D’s music or skits, none of this movie will be a surprise to you. It almost serves as a framework drawing the colorful Tenacious D mythos together. The only thing that is missing for the true fan is a reprise of Wonderboy and Tribute. (However, one will have a much clearer understanding of Tribute by the end of the film) Making up for this slight oversight are performances from: Tim Robbins as a very creepy pick seeker, Meatloaf as Jack’s dad, Ronnie James Dio, and Ben Stiller playing the helpful guitar store employee.

For those of you, who are going to see this because your heart was warmed by Shallow Hal and Nacho Libre , stay at home. This film is course from minute one. Explicit profanity, drug references, and fart jokes will make the touchy-feely crowd leave in the first five minutes. Then again who needed them any way?

If you are of the mindset to find this type of over the top, potty humor knee slapping funny, pay full price. The Pick of Destiny is as guilty a pleasure as Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. You won’t want to admit to anyone at work you were anything other than appalled at the humor, but secretly you’ll wonder what the DVD extras will be.

Speaking of extras, check out the movie’s web site at the link above. There are tons of juvenile distractions to suck up your already crowed work day. Find out what messages are hidden with in the freckles on your bottom. Or pop in a tape on the Dark Lord’s VCR, which I’m sure is in Beta. Finally my favorite, overhaul a website in the Tenacious D way. I was amazed at how Random Stuff turned out.

Don't Forget Toys for Tots

2006-11-06T16:38:00.000-06:00

With the impending Holiday Season upon up, take some time to remember the Toys for Tots program. Budget yourself to buy an extra toy for some needy child. If after that your altruism runs over, remember to pick up an Xbox 360 for your favorite blogger...

3AM and Cracklin' Rosie

2006-11-05T03:12:00.000-06:00

Sometimes you get up at 3am and keep hearing Neil Diamond singing Cracklin' Rosie in your head... And no, I have not been drinking. I'm hoping the lyrics are enough of a train wreck that you will read them and have that "store bought woman" wafting on through your mind for the rest of the day...

Cracklin rosie, get on board
Were gonna ride till there aint no more to go
Taking it slow
Lord, dont you know
Have made me a time with a poor mans lady

Hitchin on a twilight train
Aint nothing here that I care to take along
Maybe a song
To sing when I want
Dont need to say please to no man for a happy tune

Oh, I love my rosie child
You got the way to make me happy
You and me, we go in style
Cracklin rose, youre a store bought woman
You make me sing like a guitar hummin
So hang on to me, girl
Our song keeps runnin on

Play it now
Play it now, my baby

Cracklin rosie, make me a smile
Girl if it lasts for an hour, thats all right
We got all night
To set the world right
Find us a dream that dont ask no questions, yeah

Oh, I love my rosie child
You got the way to make me happy
You and me, we go in style
Cracklin rose, youre a store-bought woman
You make me sing like a guitar hummin
So hang on to me, girl
Our song keeps runnin on

Play it now
Play it now
Play it now, my baby

Cracklin rosie, make me a smile
Girl if it lasts for an hour, thats all right
We got all night
To set the world right
Find us a dream that dont ask no question, yeah

The Holly Jolly Countdown Begins

2006-11-04T07:57:00.000-06:00

On Thursday night, I caught a sneak preview of The Escape Clause, the latest Tim Allen Santa movie with my 5-year-old. (I would suggest heavy medication or a pint of rum before watching if you're thinking about taking your child. This might make the Toolman Taylor and Ed Grimley moderately funny) While sitting through this generation's It's a Wonderful Life, I realized I was in peril of hearing Holly Jolly Christmas for the first time this year. For all of you that aren't familiar with my aversion to this particular Christmas tune, I would suggest checking out the archive for last November blogs.

How long can I last this year? Well I've included this handy timer to help keep track of how much time I have to dodge Burl Ives.

Happy Halloween

2006-10-31T22:51:00.000-06:00

Ross Tarot

2006-10-29T09:46:00.000-06:00

BK gets his fortune told

Last night I went to this year’s obligatory Halloween party. It was held at the house of a gentleman that works with Laura. God love him for throwing a well decorated and ghoulishly catered event. The crappy thing was that I didn’t prepare the costume I would have liked to worn. Visions of the Fudgems danced through my head for this year’s costume. Unfortunately, my vision exceeded what I was willing to get off my duff and accomplish. Taking the easy way out, I donned my Detroit Tigers hat, my newly grown goatee, and a Hawaiian shirt and became Thomas Magnum incarnate.

The party had the requisite shop talk, inebriated party hook up wishes, and admissions that would never be made under normal circumstances. The surprise of the evening was our friend Rose was reading Tarot cards for those that dared to look into their future. Generally, I don’t put much stock in such things. Being ranked as the 14^th most dangerous man in the world, I pretty much like to think that I create my own fate.

I decided to keep an open mind while my reading was taking place, and apply the principle of the scientific method to the reading. Keep in mind that I or Laura hasn’t talked to Rose in a number of weeks and knew nothing of recent events at the Fort. I thought it would be an interesting experiment to post the basics of my reading and then see if some of the predictions come true in the coming weeks.

Reading basics:

I have gone through a period of worrying about matters at work. This cloud will lift and I will see two opportunities in my career in the very near future. (Odd note, I got a rather large promotion at work on Friday.) People will hit me up for money or court me for favors in the next 2-3 weeks, and someone will try to intimidate me. The intimidation will fall flat (Imagine someone trying to intimidate the 14^th most dangerous man in the world, pishaw!) and I will turn it to my advantage. Romance will be in the air and ventures of the heart will go my way. (Once again, was there any doubt that that would come true…) There will be a large celebration in the next month or so. (Easy one with the holidays and my birthday coming up) There were many financial windfalls in the near future. I will see miscommunications in the next few weeks and I shouldn’t plan on setting long term plans into motion before 17 Nov. I will be beset by dung beetles and will bite at my flesh and give me a nasty infection. (Ok that was a very remote chance, but still within the realms of possibilities)

We’ll see in the next few weeks what comes to fruition and what doesn’t. Sounds like more or less smooth sailing through the holidays. I’ll periodically report on the progress of the card’s predictions.

Aww... It's Just What We Call Pillow Talk Baby...

2006-10-28T23:21:00.000-05:00

One of the great joys of being a couple is the conversations that happen just before you drift off to sleep. Some of the world’s greatest ideas and disastrous arguments have happened during pillow talk times. Legend has it that Louis Pasteur formed the theory of pasteurization while his mistress was asking Louis what color he was going to paint his ceiling. Anthony and Cleopatra traded pillowed verbal barbs over why she had never been introduced to Anthony’s parents. Examples of such quips and chats are equal only to the number of couples that have shared the same bed.

Had one been a fly on the wall one recent night at Fort Donelson, one such conversation could have been heard. The setting is 11-ish on a school night, good nights had been said, nests have been made, and the physical practicalities of sleep are setting in. The dialogue that evening is as follows:

L: Do you ever wonder how transvestites hide their candy?

B: How in the fudge did you know I wasn’t already asleep?

L: You weren’t breathing like you were asleep. I know your sleep breathing and that wasn’t close to you going to sleep.

B: And how exactly does “sleep breathing” sound like?

L: Not how you were just breathing.

B: Great, I’m not winning this one. They tuck and roll.

L: Tuck and roll where? Cause there is no where to stuff anything there.

B: Do you want me to draw you a picture? I am not getting up and demonstrating.

L: Wouldn’t that hurt? How does it stay up there?

B: Well I’ll have to consult my past life as a drag queen to answer that, get the Ouija Board out.

L: You know, you really should have seen the loaf I baked at work today. I nearly took a picture with my camera phone, but I knew it would make you yak on my new phone.

Very long pause

L: When do you need to go back to the optometrist again?

B: Honey I don’t know sometime before the end of the year.

L: Well you need new glasses. And what are you working Thursday?

B: I’m not, I’m off. What do you need me to do?

L: Oh nothing I just couldn’t remember.

B: In that case I’m going to sleep.

L: Now that you mention it, the dry cleaning should be done.

B: Yes Ms. Daisy, I’ll get right on that.

L: That’s not nice. Besides, I don’t think we share enough.

B: Did you drop a tab of acid before you came to bed? What’s with the chatty Cathy bit?

L: I have a curious mind; don’t you want to know what I’m thinking baby?

B: Not at the moment. Go to sleep and pray that bugs don’t start crawling over your arms in the middle of the night.

L: Great now I can’t go to sleep because it will feel like bugs will be crawling on me after you said that. Besides my feet are cold.

B: Alright… (B does something to placate L and hopes she will clam up long enough to let sleep creep in.)

Thus ends another pillow side chat at the Fort.

Poll for Second Year Topics

2006-10-26T12:37:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Uncle Bear for turning me on to this mini poll. So what topics would you like to see me take on in Random Stuff Year Two?

Happy Birthday to Random Stuff

2006-10-26T12:04:00.000-05:00

Yes folks, yesterday marked the one year anniversery of my humble blog. To celebrate, a party was thrown at Flying Saucer last night with a surprising guest. Check out the pictures of a good beaver gone bad...

A Benefits Meeting to Remember

2006-10-21T11:42:00.000-05:00

If find that the older I get, not only does the hair in my ears get longer, but I break with established habits. My link between deviant behavior and toe nail length today is to talk about an aspect of my job on this blog. For professional, legal, and moral reasons, I generally keep silent about this part of my life. However, this week I was forced to attend an annual benefits meeting. I decided that if the company was going to suck three hours of my life away, I would get a blog out of it.

The meeting had all the typical trappings. We were provided with nice healthy snacks, including Diet Coke with Splenda and honey and oat power bars. (Why anyone would feed a group of sedentary people anything with oatmeal in it boggles me.)The presentation itself had a visually stunning Power Point presentation and the maximum number of acronyms allowed by law. For example: “If you go with the PPO plan 1C over the HSA with the FSA sub-option you’ll be SOL to the tune of X dollars a year. So QED your ATM will show you that you are FUBARed each payroll cycle.”

The other unique aspect of a meeting that deals with health insurance and retirement plans are the questions from the peanut gallery. People will announce things in these meetings that they would never talk about around the water cooler. Evidently, there are some that think their specific problems should be answered in this type of forum. For example: “I am a Mormon that has three wives. I know it is illegal, but the company has let me have all my wives on my insurance. I tried to claim the surgery that wife number 2 had after getting kicked in the head by a mule on my HMO plan 14C last year, and it was denied. But here’s my real question. What is the deductible I’ll have to meet this year, if she gets kicked int he head again?”

Of course this starts the repackaging of questions for those that have had similar problems. Half an hour is wasted discussing children’s orthodontic dilemmas, husband’s erectile dysfunctions, and the horror story of one’s third cousin getting cysts removed from their inner thigh. Nice.

The best part of the show was the cat from the investment house that sat through all of the shenanigans just for his 15 minutes of meeting fame. The biggest change to our retirement plans this year was the addition of targeted mutual funds to our 401Ks and other plans to “take care” of retirement. At this, I was perplexed by the number and varieties of funds available to us. I shall end this blog with some of the options presented to me.

Health plan option: Drink yourself to 64. Touted as the plan for those who wish to take the Leaving Las Vegas route out of retirement.

Extending your work life plan: Why retire at all? There are a number of post-30 year with the company career options open to those too addled to tie their shoes. Those interested could be trained in the following areas: Quality assurance on the production line of pig ears for dog treats, peep show token taker, tour guide to the World’s Largest Ball of String, or one of a thousand other options.

Target Fund option: A wide spectrum of risk fund based on the openings of Broadway musicals. The fund holder can pick each quarter on the musicals they wish to back. The risk takers in the lot might look at the off Broadway option. One hot prospect this quarter is the Ordinary People musical planning on opening of Spring 2007.

Bond fund: Church building funds. This bond fund will finance church expansion projects. Success of the fund will depend on the quality and quantity of dinner on the grounds and social function related to the expansion. Investors may chose from any of 32 different faiths and 182 different denominations. At this time the church of Tony Alamo is not included in the fund.

Whole life retirement plan: Living in the 3rd World. If you’re short on retirement funds, why not go to where your dollar stretches farther? Exotic locations await you like: Chad, Thailand, and Honduras. Why not make your golden years an adventure?

Why Facial Recognition Software Should be Outlawed

2006-10-12T19:54:00.000-05:00

Now this really scares the crap out of me. If you can't figure out who these celebrities are, starting from the top left:

Ante Gotovina
Lawrence Lessig
Robert Schumann
David Beckham
Douglas Adams
Juan Carlos Ferrero
Francios Mitterrand
Fredrich Nietzsche

Movie Review: The Prestige

2006-10-10T14:20:00.000-05:00

I am not a man that desires to be envied. Yes, I do have an over inflated sense of ego and other blatant character flaws. I do hope you envy the fact that I’ve seen The Prestige (based on the 1996 novel by Christopher Priest) before you did. This is one of the few movies I’ve been waiting for this year. If you’ve seen the trailers and didn’t crap your pants at the possibilities of this movie, don’t waste your time reading on. And for those of you reading on, don't fret. There are no spoilers.

Michael Caine sets the audience up in the first scene with the statement, “Every great magic trick consists of three acts. The first act is called "The Pledge"; The magician shows you something ordinary, but of course... it probably isn't. The second act is called "The Turn"; The magician makes his ordinary some thing do something extraordinary.” I spent the majority of the film looking for minutia. I sifted through the background of each scene trying to get one leg up on the plot. This is half the fun of the movie. The visuals and sets are almost crowed with seeming innocuous items that one strains to cull through. Director Chris Nolan seamlessly manages all these elements without overwhelming the audience.

Structurally, the film is set up in a series of flash back and forwards as the main characters read each other’s diaries. Stylistically, it reminds me of Dead Again. With I’m sure had something to do with Emma Thompson being the Executive Producer. Like all good magic shows, the harder you try to grasp the secret of a trick, the more astounding the trick is when it happens. The Prestige is a magic trick on film. Sit back and enjoy the show, but make sure you watch closely or you'll miss the trick entirely.

The “Pledge” centers around the rivalry of two magicians in late 1890’s London. Hugh Jackman (Rupert Angier) and Christian Bale (Alfred Borden) begin as fellow novice magicians whose relationship quickly sours. Over the course of the years the film spans, both men’s obsession with the other mutates in very different paths. Angier’s sole goal in life is to prefect a trick Borden has stunned London with. Borden’s rivalry with Angier leads him to blur the line between his magician persona and his off stage personality.

The plot sounds straight forward enough, doen't it? Add in the dynamics of the supporting cast to the plot and the “Turn” complecates matters. Michael Caine (Cutter) is the man behind the magic with a seemingly simple agenda. Scarlett Johansson (Olivia), is the Hottie McHot Hot assistant who loves too much. Then enter David Bowie as Nikola Tesla for the steam punk sci-fi twist. While the screen rivalry between Tesla and Thomas Edison mirrors that of Angier and Borden, it's not quite factual. Tesla and Edison's issue came up after the time of the film. Minor point.

Now for the “Prestige”. We’ll I’m not going to spoil anything for you. I haven’t kicked myself for not figuring out an ending this hard since the Sixth Sense. Go see it, and remember that Doug Henning is not the only one that can create a World of Illusion…

Tales Never Told; Part 2

2006-10-09T09:54:00.000-05:00

Note to self… Do not tell these stories to your son until he turns 18; or until the statue of limitations runs out.

For that.. you’re going to buy me a drink

Rules for lounging around on a Sunday morning

The car salesman always toots twice

Things lost and things found under a sink

You’re putting that into a plastic Easter Egg?

Whatever you do, don’t look behind the counter

My ass just made a sound that would have made Rush Limbaugh cry

Old Ladies in Knoxville should never go to Walgreen’s on a Sunday morning

East bound and pressed ham down

Hello, is anyone in there?

Now you’re from where in Mississippi?

Come on it’s just a little Haggis

What does Emmy Lou Harris eat on her tour bus?

Bea Arthur Campaigns for Campbell's

2006-10-07T02:59:00.000-05:00