03 August 2007

Alternate Endings of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Seems that these days I’m about two weeks late on doing anything I really want to do. Why then is it any surprise that I’ve just finished Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows? I laughed, I cried, and it became apart of me. I've mourned the end of the series in my own special way and lauded the billionaire J.K. Rowling as a genius.

Well maybe not that much of a genius. I think I could have come up with some better endings to the series that all that. Here’s what I’ve come up with:

  • Harry figures out that the key to defeating “you know who” is to find Dumbledor’s enchanted copy of Dance, Dance, Revolution. Harry challenges the Dark Lord of a dance off for supremacy of the wizarding world. Voltomort, not being a spring chicken, falls cracks his hip, and all the unicorn blood comes oozing out of him. Killing the baddie and ensuring the snogging of good wizards and witches will continue well into the next generation.

  • Unable to defeat the Dark Lord in any other manner, Harry enlists the aid of Cho to get cozy with Voldie. Cho sees the poor tortured soul of Tom Riddle beneath the rough tough evil exterior and falls in love with him. “You know who” is over come by Cho’s undying devotion that he gives up the whole evil wizard thing and becomes a Muggle travel agent.
  • Voldemort’s plan in the UK succeeds and he is determined to take over the rest of the world. He gets involved in land wars in South East Asia and looses support from the Dead Eaters. They feel that “you-know-who” lied to them about the reasons for attacking another wizard community.
  • Voldemort is actually the Great Pumpkin. (Thanks Bear and Jer)
  • Harry afraid to accept his destiny talks Ron into a guy’s road trip. After a few misadventures, the pair drives off the edge of the Grand Canyon in thier “flying” car. (Thanks Jer)
  • In the final battle, Harry’s wand is knocked out of his hand. Voldemort presses his advantage and quickly moves towards Harry. Leaning down next to Harry’s ear Voldemort, whispers the final words Harry Potter will ever hear, “Can I tell you about the wonderful opportunities that Amway products can provide you and your family?” (Thanks Bear)
  • The duel between Voldemort and Potter comes to its fever pitch. Spell after spell is cast and countered. Harry barely ducks a testicle smash spell and counters with a “Stupify”. Unfortunately, the battle has been waged long enough that Potter’s diction is not up to his spell casting. The word “Superfly” is uttered instead, turning Voldemort into an exact replica of Huggie Bear. The crowd that has been watching the battle laughs for hardily that Voldie’s wand chips into a thousand pieces.


Roxasnobody said...

spells were flying everywhere, and finally, in an attempt to catch voldemort off gaurd, harry utters the word supafly, causeing voldemort to turn into a flat out pimp. after voldemorts transformation, he drops his wand and declares, "this is wack bo, im goin back to da crib to hang wit da bunnies." After that, voldemort walks out with all the female deatheaters hanging on his arm.

Anonymous said...

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