13 April 2007

Government Subsidies for Lawn Care

Spring. The funk of March has been cleared away and the taxman should be sowing grass in my front yard. The tax man you say? One would have thought it to be someone from Chemlawn or Roy’s Seed and Laxative Farm that would be planting grass and caring for your yard. The two afore mentioned companies are too rich for my blood, so I’ve decided to beg the help of any Local, State, Federal, or International organization to come to my aid.

It’s quite simple. I have a need that I cannot satisfy due to discrimination. Not the heinous Don Imus style discrimination, more like the Elaine from Seinfeld ban from ordering Chinese take out type of discrimination. I have come to find out that I must have been black balled by the lawn care community in Nashville. No one in the Nashville area seems to be willing or able to provide me with the quality lawn care that is surely a Constitutional Right that ever American has.

In those last three weeks we have been on the hunt for someone to service our lawn. The company we’ve been turning to for the last few years to maintain Fort Donelson’s grandeur must have fired us. There is a distinct feeling one has after a mediocre date, the rejection dread that your phone calls and emails will never be returned. I have gotten this vibe from our one time beloved lawn crew this season.

The result has been grass that is slightly out of control. Our neighbors have begun to shun us. Jim Fowler from Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom has placed a call to Laura about filming a segment in our front yard. Dogs and cats have started to live together in sin under the maple tree. Something has to be done.

One might ask why I don’t get off my duff and do it myself? The answer is that I’m an adult and I don’t want to. I work 50 plus hours a week and have no desire to play NASCAR with a lawn mower for an extra hour a week. This brings me to why the government should step in. My experience is demonstrates that there is a shortage of lawn care providers in the Metro Nashville area. I’m sure this inequity is a violation of the Interstate Commerce Clause, and thus is the purview of the government.

The Federal Government provides subsides to Wal-Mart, soybeans farmers, and research on how cow farts contribute to global warming. As a matter of fact, these subsidies could be used to entice lawn service professionals to use electric lawn mowers. That would create a carbon credit and my yard could be the test site. Further subsides should be given for pressing inmates, juvenile delinquents, and Zamfir; “Master of the Pan Flute” fans into governmental lawn care. The result is obvious, a happier populace with fewer gangs of teenager blasting Zamfir music in parking lots across the nation.

Friends, neighbors (well not the ones that are hacked because my lawn looks like crap, but the other neighbors), countrymen; lend me your lawns. Call your representatives to implement this plan with haste. Not only could you never have to cut a blade of grass again, but think what you would be doing to stop Global Warming. Think of the plant folks, and the children. And by the way, if you know of someone that cuts grass, let me know; will you...

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