16 April 2007

The Ghost of Misconceptions Past

My horoscope today read:”Today you will be beset by those that would like to take a piece of your immortal soul. So get ahead of the 8-ball and do some confessing before you end up with a demon sucking your essence through a vestigial third nipple.” Thanks Ms. Cleo. In the attitude of not wishing to hack off the spirit world, I thought I would confess some of the misconceptions I’ve had throughout my life. I’ll contact my spiritual guide in the morning for what I have to do to atone for said foibles.

  • For years, I thought the title of the Alan Parson’s Project song was “Gay People Playing in the Middle of the Night” The lyrics make much more sense that way.
  • When I was a child, I thought there was some point that the world turned from black and white into color. How else could one explain one day of syndicated Gilligan’s Island in color and the next day it was in B&W? Some great cosmic event must have introduced the full spectrum of colors into the universe sometime around 1965.
  • It wasn’t until the 1988 Grammy Awards that I realized Tracy Chapman was a woman.
  • I would have sworn that there, as of today, would be video of a Sesame Street Mumenschantz performance on You Tube. I guess the toilet paper roll, clay faced freaks are lost to the world forever.
  • My grandmother use to refer to a common Idaho potato as, what sounded like, an “arsh potato”. I never had any idea what variety of potato that could be. I was 14 when I realized that she was intoning an Ashland City version of “Irish potato”.
  • I thought it would be a good idea to ask a Ouija Board what the winning Powerball numbers would be on a given week. Should you try this, you will be sorely disappointed. The planchette kept pointing to “Good-Bye” and I had a bad case of gas for the next few days. I’m not sure if the events are connected, but I had to sacrifice an entire bottle of Gas-X to banish the evil spirits. (Related note, when looking up Ouija Board on Wiki to make sure I spelled planchette correctly, I found that the first person to patent the Ouija was a Charles Kennard. Freaky, huh?)
  • Nothing good has ever, ever, ever come of someone saying at 2:10 am, “Hey let’s do shots of Jagermeister before last call.” The last time I did that I woke up next to a Taco Bell bag. Literally, a paper sack from Taco Bell; not an older lady that works for Taco Bell. I’m not sure how the bag got there, and for obvious reasons I don’t want to know.
  • And finally, it might seem to be a good idea when one runs of toilet paper in a weekend get-away cabin to use a towel. Then to cover up the crime, hide said towel under the sink. You will get busted by that friend of yours that does a very thorough final check for toiletries before you leave the cabin every time… Sorry to the unnamed chum that found that one.

Whew! I feel better now. I think I see my jackalope spirit guide in the clouds beckoning me to bed. I’m sure to dream of other adventures and light my path so I can avoid similar mistakes in the future.


flashbna said...

are you sure those are ALL of your sins?

Brian said...

There's a big difference between sins and misconceptions. The internet is not large enough, I fear, to catalog all of my sins.

Baby Kerchepow Face said...

I still don't believe Tracy Chapman is a woman.