20 March 2007

Road Rules

The month of March is almost over and for once I can say good riddance. The month has been fraught with personal and work issues. I hope the old adage is correct and out like a lamb she goes…

There have been a few bright spots about the month. First of all, friend of Random Stuff Chris Massey has started out on a road trip documentary adventure. Check out Million Dollar Documentary for his quest to get one million people to give him a dollar. With Chris' hijra in mind, I know in the coming months there are many couples and families that will be taking their first road trip together.

I personally think that a road trip is a crucible for any relationship. You never really know what your significant other is like until you pull into a cheap motel after a good hard 10 hours on the road. The guys that you play poker with on Thursday night are all great guys, right? Nothing will bust up a friendship like knowing "good ole Dan" likes to sing off tune Billie Holiday songs while driving.

Most of you green horns out there will jump into a car with your selected group and pray things work out well. Sad days will lie ahead of you if you choose this path. Folks you have to prepare for the experience. Don’t go willy-nilly out on the road without knowing what your travel companions are made of. I’ve created this simple road test that you should give anyone you are planning on spending more than 15 minutes in a car with this year.

1. What has caused this gook to form on the driver’s side wind shield of this vehicle?

2. You go into a Chitco’s bathroom 30 miles outside of Amarillo. You see two urinals, a toilet, a sink, a paper towel dispenser, a trash can, and a roach dead in the floor drain. One of your companions yells, “How many holes is it?” Your response is……

3. The motto of any road trip is economy with dignity. With this in mind, you are in need of filling up your cooler with ice. How do you solve this problem?

4. Fill in the blank.

5. Your goal on any road trip is to make good time. Name 5 items that you should keep in your vehicle to insure this happens.

6. At a sporting event or church, when someone pulls their pants down to show their buttocks to the world it’s known as “mooning”. On the road, when someone does this with their window rolled up its known as what? For extra credit: if their window is rolled down, what is this known as?

7. Your girlfriend wants to drive for a little while because you look tired. She suggests that you can take a nap while she’s driving. What is the out come of letting her drive?

8. The above mentioned Dan is driving and does start in with his version of I Cried for You. How do you stop this madness?

9. World’s Largest Ball of String; stop or pass it by?

11. Follow up your answer on number 10 with adding to the situation: an angry dog, a pothole, and a corn dog.

12. The caption for this photo should be:


1. Mustard from an unfinished hot dog that was thrown out the window. This violates not only the Al Gore highway beautification act, but is a serious waste of a highway treat.

2. The answer is at least 5. The sink and floor drain can be used in an emergency if someone needs to tinkle. If you answered 6 for the trash can, you must have finished the hot dog in question 1.

3. You pull up to the nearest motel and fill up from the ice machine nearest the pool. You get the advantage of free ice and ogling the gender of your choice by the pool.

4. Rock City. If you live in the South and didn’t get this one, Homeland Security will be at your house any minute to take you to Guantanamo.

5. Wide mouthed mason jars (with lids), a pack of the cheapest cigars money can buy, a jiggling hoola girl blessed by your holy man of choice, a MP3 player, and current satellite data of your route freshly hacked from the CIA by your 6 year old.

6. With the window up this is know as “pressed ham”. With the window down, this practice is known as plain stupid. Have you seen the kind of bugs your windshield picks up on a road trip? A hornet hitting your can at 80 miles an hour smarts.

7. You will doze off to sleep in about 15 minutes. At minute 16, she will nudge you and start with a laundry list of questions she copied off Dr. Phil’s web site about your relationship.

8. Have Dan pull over at the nearest gas station, by telling him you are poking a wee turtle head. Tell Dan while you’re pinching a loaf, you’ll spring for snacks. When Dan gets into the gas station, drive off and leave him stranded. Cruel you say? Dan knows all about Darwin and should have seen this coming.

9. Never travel with anyone that would say pass by a road side attraction. They are some of the holiest places left in America….

11. Sucker. If you thought there was a number 10, then you’d miss your next turn off and are not worthy of driving to the Quicky-Mart.

12. Caption contest ends 30 Mar 07 at 11:59pm. Your caption must be put in as a comment to this blog. The prize will be determined by the response…

1 comment:

Bear said...

Great blog, BK. My caption:

"Why does my stomach feel like I'm smoking this corn dog, and just ate my cigar?"