21 December 2007

Hellboy 2 Trailer

Sweet mother of pearl, is it summer time yet?

09 October 2007

The Darjeeling Limited

Wes Anderson's new film The Darjeeling Limited went into a select city release on 5 Oct 07. Unless it comes to Belcourt, us hicks in Nashville will have to wait until the DVD release.

30 September 2007

How to Make Dungeons and Dragons More Sexy

And they said women like this didn't exist outside the blue Astral plane of Tiamat. You know the place you can only get to with the 10th level spell Fizburn's Multiverse Meander with your Half Elf thief/magic user/ranger.

Wonderhowto make Dungeons & Dragons sexy...again?

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29 September 2007

Southbound and Down

Ayn Rand is spinning so fast in her grave that seismometers around the world are getting faint readings. This week the Tennessee Department of Revenue (TDR) announced that they would be monitoring the amounts of cigarettes Tennessee citizens purchases in bordering states.

Current state laws prohibit the transport of more than two cartons into the State without a Tennessee tax stamp. Spokesmen from the TDR warned that transporting 3-24 cartons is a misdemeanor and over 25 is a felony that will carry the penalty of the seizure of your vehicle.

The head of TDR special investigations, David Remke, was quoted in the above Tennessean article as saying, “"It's not fair to them [stores on the Tennessee side of the border] that they've lost a lot of their business"

No Mr. Remke, it’s not fair when the government’s taxation policies make it unattractive to purchase a good or service in one’s home state. Did the brain trust in our legislature not think that there would be a consequence to raising a tax on a specific good? I can postulate that given the actions of the TDR that they did not.

So the answer to making things “fair” in the State of Tennessee is harass citizens who are adhering to the basic principles of capitalism; fining the good they want at the lowest price. By extension of this mentality, it’s not “fair” to a local Barnes and Noble when I purchase a book cheaper on Amazon. The TDR isn’t concerned about that, yet.

Then again, we’re not talking about what’s fair for business in Tennessee at all. The TDR is hiding behind “fairness” to Tennessee businesses because tax revenues on cigarettes in border areas are down. So we spend tax dollars on monitoring the border for Burt Reynolds and Jerry Reed smuggling in 10 cartons of cigarettes in from Kentucky. Your average citizen can now take on the role of the Bandit and Iceman just for buying their smokes in Kentucky.

If you’re thinking that cigarettes will be the end of this, I fear you’re sadly mistaken. If you buy your groceries in Kentucky (where there is no tax on food) and transport them to your Tennessee home, soon you might get a trip to the pokie for bringing too many eggs across the border. Remember, it’s not fair to local businesses that you’re saving 8.25% on your food because of the taxation policies set by your legislature.

Just remember that the TDR is watching you…

20 September 2007

Travels Without Charley

Well as some of you know, I was lucky enough to do a two day jaunt to California this week. I've done a couple of slide shows of some of the cool things I saw and in the land of nuts and berries. Yes the stories will abound at some point, but not today....







21 August 2007

Midget Bullfighting

I really, really do understand how very wrong this is. But it is a train wreck of epic proportions.
Midget Bullfighting

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03 August 2007

Alternate Endings of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Seems that these days I’m about two weeks late on doing anything I really want to do. Why then is it any surprise that I’ve just finished Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows? I laughed, I cried, and it became apart of me. I've mourned the end of the series in my own special way and lauded the billionaire J.K. Rowling as a genius.

Well maybe not that much of a genius. I think I could have come up with some better endings to the series that all that. Here’s what I’ve come up with:


  • Harry figures out that the key to defeating “you know who” is to find Dumbledor’s enchanted copy of Dance, Dance, Revolution. Harry challenges the Dark Lord of a dance off for supremacy of the wizarding world. Voltomort, not being a spring chicken, falls cracks his hip, and all the unicorn blood comes oozing out of him. Killing the baddie and ensuring the snogging of good wizards and witches will continue well into the next generation.

  • Unable to defeat the Dark Lord in any other manner, Harry enlists the aid of Cho to get cozy with Voldie. Cho sees the poor tortured soul of Tom Riddle beneath the rough tough evil exterior and falls in love with him. “You know who” is over come by Cho’s undying devotion that he gives up the whole evil wizard thing and becomes a Muggle travel agent.
  • Voldemort’s plan in the UK succeeds and he is determined to take over the rest of the world. He gets involved in land wars in South East Asia and looses support from the Dead Eaters. They feel that “you-know-who” lied to them about the reasons for attacking another wizard community.
  • Voldemort is actually the Great Pumpkin. (Thanks Bear and Jer)
  • Harry afraid to accept his destiny talks Ron into a guy’s road trip. After a few misadventures, the pair drives off the edge of the Grand Canyon in thier “flying” car. (Thanks Jer)
  • In the final battle, Harry’s wand is knocked out of his hand. Voldemort presses his advantage and quickly moves towards Harry. Leaning down next to Harry’s ear Voldemort, whispers the final words Harry Potter will ever hear, “Can I tell you about the wonderful opportunities that Amway products can provide you and your family?” (Thanks Bear)
  • The duel between Voldemort and Potter comes to its fever pitch. Spell after spell is cast and countered. Harry barely ducks a testicle smash spell and counters with a “Stupify”. Unfortunately, the battle has been waged long enough that Potter’s diction is not up to his spell casting. The word “Superfly” is uttered instead, turning Voldemort into an exact replica of Huggie Bear. The crowd that has been watching the battle laughs for hardily that Voldie’s wand chips into a thousand pieces.

15 June 2007

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer Review


By Odin’s fiery merkin, did everyone at Marvel comics spend all their time on Spiderman 3 and forget about Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer? Did the Broadway musical scenes in Spiderman 3 drain the collective creative conscience from the writing team? Or was it the long creative sessions over the portrayal of Galactus that sucked the muse from Stan Lee’s minions? For whatever reason, Rise of the Silver Surfer stinks. I’m not even sure where to begin to describe how my Fantastic Four skin was trampled upon for 92 minutes.

Most of the first half of the movie is spent in a Dr. Philish overview of the Fantastic Four’s group dynamic and how their lives have changed by becoming celebrities. The team of Mark Frost and Don Payne then go into an examination of how Sue Storm feels about balancing raising a family and saving the world before dinnertime. I would have expected a harder edge from veteran screen writer Frost whose past credits include some of the best Twin Peaks and Hill Street Blues episodes ever produced. Instead we are left with product placement gags, a dance routine by Mr. Fantastic, and an ABC After School Special about teamwork.

Then there’s the action. I’m sure most of you have seen the trailers with the Human Torch chasing after the Silver Surfer. The entire sequence is contained in those trailers. Granted it was an incredible chase scene, but that sums up the extent what should have been an action packed comic romp. Oh, that and the exactly one climactic fight scene with Doom at the movie’s ending.

Finally, there is a small matter of Galactus. Galactus is the giant world eating baddie that shows up in the Marvel universe from time to time. Galactus looks like this in the comic world:

Galactus looks more like this in the movie

One can see my utter disappointment at this turn of events.

Don’t see this movie. If you’re a comic geek, you’ll writhe in pain for weeks after the viewing. If you’re an average Joe looking for an entertaining film, look elsewhere. Just don’t reinforce the bad film making from Marvel by giving them your hard earned dollar.

07 June 2007

Stardust Trailer

This one could be good, or it could suck the air out of the theater. I think I'll see it just for DeNiro flying pirate bit. Plus there's a special place in my heart for Clare Danes...

Stardust Trailer

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06 June 2007

Bruce Campbell Hungry Like a Wolf; Old Spice Commercial

This truly has to be one of the best commercials ever made. Too bad for the Old Spice folks it doesn't entice me to buy their product. But you on the other hand, you really need to splash some on.

The first video link is the commercial itself. The next is a behind the scenes look at the making of Bruce's homage to Duran Duran.



02 June 2007

Battlestar Galactica to End

FRACK! It seems that the 4th season of Battlestar Galactica will be it. The producers of the show Ronald Moore and David Eick have pulled the plug simply saying it's time for it to end. Ok guys, that's great, but did you think about us poor geeks that need the show. I guess it will be back to watching the second season of Maude for me on Friday nights.

The full scoop on the series ending can be found here

31 May 2007

Starcraft 2 Trailer

The boys and girls from Bilzzard are back in action again to revive Starcraft. Blizzard's press release can be found here. Even if you're not into RTS games, check out the trailer. It will make you wish that someone out there would do a CGI Starship Troopers movie the way Heinlein wrote it, if nothing else.

And of other note, Gaming Steve posted a rumor about Diablo 3. I know what's on my Christmas list this year.

23 May 2007

Ninjas, Ninjas Everywhere and Not a One to Hire.

I am constantly amazed at the number of Ninjas there are sprouting up these days. They seem to be hiding behind every bush and on a majority of You Tube videos. The trend is very disturbing to me because of my understanding of basic economic principles. Follow the logic and see if you come to the same supposition that I have.

The demand for Ninjas has exceeded the past supply of Ninjas; therefore wages for Ninjas would be at a premium. This would make becoming a Ninja an attractive career opportunity for anyone entering the workforce. A secondary market would be created for training Ninjas. Easier access to Ninja training would facilitate more Ninjas entering the workforce. The increasing the number of Ninjas would only elevate their visibility to the public.

The conundrum is why has the demand for Ninjas increased? Historically, Ninjas have been utilized in roles of gathering intelligence, sabotage, or assassination. As we’ve seen there is a rising supply of Ninjas, with that will come a point where supply outstrips demand. Prices for Ninjas will decrease making the services of Ninjas more accessible to the middle class. Ninjas could become as common as MP3 players or flat screen TVs. Fear and trepidation will spread through the populace like wildfire. We will wonder if Ninjas have been hired by the neighborhood association to take you out for shoddy lawn care. Is your fiancĂ© using a Ninja to make sure you are on the straight and narrow? Was that mosquito bite at this weekend’s cookout really a mosquito bite; or some slow acting Ninja poison administered via a Ninja dart?

Folks, see the proof for yourself. This poster was seen hanging on a light pole on your average street in the city of Nashville. Beware citizens, this guy could be training a Ninja with your name emblazoned on his forehead.

19 May 2007

08 May 2007

Highlander: The Search for Vengeance

Highlander meets Anime... Go figure. I'm sure this will satisfy you hard-core Planet Zeist loving Highlander fans out there..

30 April 2007

Fear of Girls

OK... now I often refer to myself as a geek. But this brings geek to a whole new level. I would say a Level 15 geek. At that level you get a bonus on every check against reality roll and a +10% resistance towards personal hygiene.

Fear of Girls

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26 April 2007

Marvel Ultimate Alliance Character Packs



I truly am the world’s oldest 12 year-old. This morning I got up bright and early to download the new Xbox 360 content for Marvel Ultimate Alliance. The content download includes 8 new characters to choose from. Cyclops, Nightcrawler, Hulk, Hawkeye, Venom, Magneto, Sabertooth and Doctor Doom are now at your fingertips to battle the forces of comic book geek evil.

The downloads come in three flavors. You can download the new heroes or villains separately for 500 MS Points each, or get all both sets together for 800 points. Do yourself a favor and get the combination pack. Remember, a true geek wants to have the full collection of anything.

I’ve taken a nerdly pleasure this morning by smacking Doombots with Doctor Doom and tendriling unsuspecting AIM Agents with Venom. Nightcrawler is even done well. His level one attack is a teleporting leg sweep; this seems to take out those annoying bad guys with shields. The Hulk will even satisfy those hard core Marvel fan boys and girls out there. Foot stomps, cyclone punches, and flying leaps are included in his arsenal of powers. Of the lot, Hawkeye is the token lame character. His multi-shot arrows and hyper speed boosts leave one wishing they had included a true backwater mutant like Dazzler.

Along with the extra character one gets some new achievements to shoot for. Most of these have to do with unlocking all the extra costumes of a specific character. That’s great unless your buddies talked you into entering the cheat code to unlock all the costumes. Even starting a new game will still enable this cheat.

So do yourself a favor Poindexter, go home from work tonight and download the character packs. Call up your buddies and get your geek on while pummeling the forces of evil into a fine paste.

22 April 2007

Happy Earth Day

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Video Testimony of What Magic Random Stuff Can Do in Your Life

Here's a video testimony of what being in the Random Stuff "Inner Circle" can do for you, and your business.

16 April 2007

The Ghost of Misconceptions Past

My horoscope today read:”Today you will be beset by those that would like to take a piece of your immortal soul. So get ahead of the 8-ball and do some confessing before you end up with a demon sucking your essence through a vestigial third nipple.” Thanks Ms. Cleo. In the attitude of not wishing to hack off the spirit world, I thought I would confess some of the misconceptions I’ve had throughout my life. I’ll contact my spiritual guide in the morning for what I have to do to atone for said foibles.

  • For years, I thought the title of the Alan Parson’s Project song was “Gay People Playing in the Middle of the Night” The lyrics make much more sense that way.
  • When I was a child, I thought there was some point that the world turned from black and white into color. How else could one explain one day of syndicated Gilligan’s Island in color and the next day it was in B&W? Some great cosmic event must have introduced the full spectrum of colors into the universe sometime around 1965.
  • It wasn’t until the 1988 Grammy Awards that I realized Tracy Chapman was a woman.
  • I would have sworn that there, as of today, would be video of a Sesame Street Mumenschantz performance on You Tube. I guess the toilet paper roll, clay faced freaks are lost to the world forever.
  • My grandmother use to refer to a common Idaho potato as, what sounded like, an “arsh potato”. I never had any idea what variety of potato that could be. I was 14 when I realized that she was intoning an Ashland City version of “Irish potato”.
  • I thought it would be a good idea to ask a Ouija Board what the winning Powerball numbers would be on a given week. Should you try this, you will be sorely disappointed. The planchette kept pointing to “Good-Bye” and I had a bad case of gas for the next few days. I’m not sure if the events are connected, but I had to sacrifice an entire bottle of Gas-X to banish the evil spirits. (Related note, when looking up Ouija Board on Wiki to make sure I spelled planchette correctly, I found that the first person to patent the Ouija was a Charles Kennard. Freaky, huh?)
  • Nothing good has ever, ever, ever come of someone saying at 2:10 am, “Hey let’s do shots of Jagermeister before last call.” The last time I did that I woke up next to a Taco Bell bag. Literally, a paper sack from Taco Bell; not an older lady that works for Taco Bell. I’m not sure how the bag got there, and for obvious reasons I don’t want to know.
  • And finally, it might seem to be a good idea when one runs of toilet paper in a weekend get-away cabin to use a towel. Then to cover up the crime, hide said towel under the sink. You will get busted by that friend of yours that does a very thorough final check for toiletries before you leave the cabin every time… Sorry to the unnamed chum that found that one.

Whew! I feel better now. I think I see my jackalope spirit guide in the clouds beckoning me to bed. I’m sure to dream of other adventures and light my path so I can avoid similar mistakes in the future.

14 April 2007

Go Speed Racer, GO!


When I was a child there were a few times that I honestly thought my parents would physically harm me. The most memorable time was when I talked Dad into turning off a football game so I could watch Speed Racer. I’m sure Dad just wanted me to quit whining, but he dutifully watched it with me. After the episode was over, I was sitting on the edge of the 70’s style nauga-plush couch wondering who Racer X was and why he had it in for Speed. Dad had a totally different viewing experience. He thought the cartoon was so ludicrous that it almost resulted in violence to his number one son.

Well Dad, I’ve come to redeem myself. Yahoo just reported that Christina Ricci has agreed to play Trixie in the upcoming Speed Racer live action movie. If that wasn’t enough for you Dad, the guys that did the Matrix are writing and directing it. John Goodman is slated in the role of “Pops” and Susan Sarandon will play “Wife of Pops”. There’s no indication at this point who will be taking the role of Chim-Chim. (Dear Wachowski Brothers, if you’re reading this; I would be very interested in the primate’s part…)

If this doesn’t sound like it’s shaping up to be man movie, I’m not sure what is. So Dad, can we PLEASE, give Speed Racer another chance? And this time, please don’t wear your thick leather belt to the theater.

13 April 2007

Government Subsidies for Lawn Care

Spring. The funk of March has been cleared away and the taxman should be sowing grass in my front yard. The tax man you say? One would have thought it to be someone from Chemlawn or Roy’s Seed and Laxative Farm that would be planting grass and caring for your yard. The two afore mentioned companies are too rich for my blood, so I’ve decided to beg the help of any Local, State, Federal, or International organization to come to my aid.

It’s quite simple. I have a need that I cannot satisfy due to discrimination. Not the heinous Don Imus style discrimination, more like the Elaine from Seinfeld ban from ordering Chinese take out type of discrimination. I have come to find out that I must have been black balled by the lawn care community in Nashville. No one in the Nashville area seems to be willing or able to provide me with the quality lawn care that is surely a Constitutional Right that ever American has.

In those last three weeks we have been on the hunt for someone to service our lawn. The company we’ve been turning to for the last few years to maintain Fort Donelson’s grandeur must have fired us. There is a distinct feeling one has after a mediocre date, the rejection dread that your phone calls and emails will never be returned. I have gotten this vibe from our one time beloved lawn crew this season.

The result has been grass that is slightly out of control. Our neighbors have begun to shun us. Jim Fowler from Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom has placed a call to Laura about filming a segment in our front yard. Dogs and cats have started to live together in sin under the maple tree. Something has to be done.

One might ask why I don’t get off my duff and do it myself? The answer is that I’m an adult and I don’t want to. I work 50 plus hours a week and have no desire to play NASCAR with a lawn mower for an extra hour a week. This brings me to why the government should step in. My experience is demonstrates that there is a shortage of lawn care providers in the Metro Nashville area. I’m sure this inequity is a violation of the Interstate Commerce Clause, and thus is the purview of the government.

The Federal Government provides subsides to Wal-Mart, soybeans farmers, and research on how cow farts contribute to global warming. As a matter of fact, these subsidies could be used to entice lawn service professionals to use electric lawn mowers. That would create a carbon credit and my yard could be the test site. Further subsides should be given for pressing inmates, juvenile delinquents, and Zamfir; “Master of the Pan Flute” fans into governmental lawn care. The result is obvious, a happier populace with fewer gangs of teenager blasting Zamfir music in parking lots across the nation.

Friends, neighbors (well not the ones that are hacked because my lawn looks like crap, but the other neighbors), countrymen; lend me your lawns. Call your representatives to implement this plan with haste. Not only could you never have to cut a blade of grass again, but think what you would be doing to stop Global Warming. Think of the plant folks, and the children. And by the way, if you know of someone that cuts grass, let me know; will you...

12 April 2007

Good Bye Blue Wednesday, or How I Came to Mark the Passing of Kurt Vonnegut



Tonight, I had planned on writing a ramble about the lack of governmental subsidized lawn care. When opening up my home page, I was confronted with some sad news. Seventeen minutes before I opened my home page, AP reported that Kurt Vonnegut had died. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the life and works of Vonnegut, the AP article can be found here.

I was first introduced to Vonnegut in high school. Around the 10th grade we were required to read Harrison Bergeron in English class. I thought it strange, even then, that a public school would require students to read something so politically incorrect. I’m convinced that the Metro Nashville School Board was duped into buying a text book with this short story in it. Some publishing house agent must have given away a few golf trips to Florida to sneak it in the curriculum.

Being an inquisitive youth, I ask my English teacher about Vonnegut. After getting the basic bio and literature lesson, she suggested that I would probably like Cat's Cradle . During lunch that day, I went to the school library to check out a copy. I was astounded to find that our library did not carry a single copy of Vonnegut’s works. Our librarian told me that there was some “inappropriate material for young readers” in his books and they were not included in her collection. The conundrum of having an author as required reading for a course and not carrying his works in the school library would have appealed to Vonnegut’s sense of the absurd.

Luckily, a used bookstore owners whose primary trade in selling the soft core porn of Harlequin Romances has fewer scruples. I snapped up a copy of Breakfast of Champions and Welcome to the Monkey House for less than a buck that very afternoon. After reading the novel and the collection of short stories, something opened in my mind. The beautifully bizarre Vonnegut universe of heartache, synchronicity, bad science fiction writers, mental defects, how aliens perceive double entendres, social commentary, and the human sphincter somehow fit into an angst riddled teenager’s world. I don’t think I’ve been the same since.

For those of you who have read Vonnegut and my blog can attest to that. In Bagombo Snuff Box: Uncollected Short Fiction,, Vonnegut stated that there are eight rules for writing that have always helped me write anything.

1. Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted.
2. Give the reader at least one character he or she can root for.
3. Every character should want something, even if it is only a glass of water.
4. Every sentence must do one of two things -- reveal character or advance the action.
5. Start as close to the end as possible.
6. Be a sadist. No matter how sweet and innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them -- in order that the reader may see what they are made of.
7. Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia.
8. Give your readers as much information as possible as soon as possible. To heck with suspense. Readers should have such complete understanding of what is going on, where and why, that they could finish the story themselves, should cockroaches eat the last few pages.

Thanks Kurt. You whispered cosmic truths to me at just the right age. Your works came to me before I was too addled by what “normal” people taught me to infect my entire life. You’ll be missed. So it goes. Maybe Government subsidized lawn service doesn’t sound so off the mark after all….

Digg!


26 March 2007

Werewolves of Atlanta?

BK drinks a pina colada at Trader Vic's, his hair much less than perfect.. Story soon to follow.

20 March 2007

Road Rules

The month of March is almost over and for once I can say good riddance. The month has been fraught with personal and work issues. I hope the old adage is correct and out like a lamb she goes…

There have been a few bright spots about the month. First of all, friend of Random Stuff Chris Massey has started out on a road trip documentary adventure. Check out Million Dollar Documentary for his quest to get one million people to give him a dollar. With Chris' hijra in mind, I know in the coming months there are many couples and families that will be taking their first road trip together.

I personally think that a road trip is a crucible for any relationship. You never really know what your significant other is like until you pull into a cheap motel after a good hard 10 hours on the road. The guys that you play poker with on Thursday night are all great guys, right? Nothing will bust up a friendship like knowing "good ole Dan" likes to sing off tune Billie Holiday songs while driving.

Most of you green horns out there will jump into a car with your selected group and pray things work out well. Sad days will lie ahead of you if you choose this path. Folks you have to prepare for the experience. Don’t go willy-nilly out on the road without knowing what your travel companions are made of. I’ve created this simple road test that you should give anyone you are planning on spending more than 15 minutes in a car with this year.

1. What has caused this gook to form on the driver’s side wind shield of this vehicle?

2. You go into a Chitco’s bathroom 30 miles outside of Amarillo. You see two urinals, a toilet, a sink, a paper towel dispenser, a trash can, and a roach dead in the floor drain. One of your companions yells, “How many holes is it?” Your response is……

3. The motto of any road trip is economy with dignity. With this in mind, you are in need of filling up your cooler with ice. How do you solve this problem?

4. Fill in the blank.

5. Your goal on any road trip is to make good time. Name 5 items that you should keep in your vehicle to insure this happens.

6. At a sporting event or church, when someone pulls their pants down to show their buttocks to the world it’s known as “mooning”. On the road, when someone does this with their window rolled up its known as what? For extra credit: if their window is rolled down, what is this known as?

7. Your girlfriend wants to drive for a little while because you look tired. She suggests that you can take a nap while she’s driving. What is the out come of letting her drive?

8. The above mentioned Dan is driving and does start in with his version of I Cried for You. How do you stop this madness?

9. World’s Largest Ball of String; stop or pass it by?

11. Follow up your answer on number 10 with adding to the situation: an angry dog, a pothole, and a corn dog.

12. The caption for this photo should be:

Answers

1. Mustard from an unfinished hot dog that was thrown out the window. This violates not only the Al Gore highway beautification act, but is a serious waste of a highway treat.

2. The answer is at least 5. The sink and floor drain can be used in an emergency if someone needs to tinkle. If you answered 6 for the trash can, you must have finished the hot dog in question 1.

3. You pull up to the nearest motel and fill up from the ice machine nearest the pool. You get the advantage of free ice and ogling the gender of your choice by the pool.

4. Rock City. If you live in the South and didn’t get this one, Homeland Security will be at your house any minute to take you to Guantanamo.

5. Wide mouthed mason jars (with lids), a pack of the cheapest cigars money can buy, a jiggling hoola girl blessed by your holy man of choice, a MP3 player, and current satellite data of your route freshly hacked from the CIA by your 6 year old.

6. With the window up this is know as “pressed ham”. With the window down, this practice is known as plain stupid. Have you seen the kind of bugs your windshield picks up on a road trip? A hornet hitting your can at 80 miles an hour smarts.

7. You will doze off to sleep in about 15 minutes. At minute 16, she will nudge you and start with a laundry list of questions she copied off Dr. Phil’s web site about your relationship.

8. Have Dan pull over at the nearest gas station, by telling him you are poking a wee turtle head. Tell Dan while you’re pinching a loaf, you’ll spring for snacks. When Dan gets into the gas station, drive off and leave him stranded. Cruel you say? Dan knows all about Darwin and should have seen this coming.

9. Never travel with anyone that would say pass by a road side attraction. They are some of the holiest places left in America….

11. Sucker. If you thought there was a number 10, then you’d miss your next turn off and are not worthy of driving to the Quicky-Mart.

12. Caption contest ends 30 Mar 07 at 11:59pm. Your caption must be put in as a comment to this blog. The prize will be determined by the response…

20 February 2007

Odd Response to Bruce Campbell’s Old Spice Commercial

You'll just have to watch this. I'm not sure I have the vocabulary to describe it. I would suggest watching Bruce's commercial here first if you haven't seen it.

Team Venture pairs up with Chevy

In an effort to increase market share, Chevrolet announced today that they will be releasing a special Venture Brothers edition of their popular Venture minivan. A design consultant at Chevy said that "This minivan is so bulked up; it would make Brock proud to sit behind the wheel." The source later revealed that Doctor Thaddeus Venture was instrumental in the design process. Doctor Venture was unable to be reached for comment.

15 February 2007

Movie Review: Ghost Rider

I thank what ever angel that watches over me that I had to work the night the Catwoman sneak showed in Nashville. A couple of friends of mine were not so lucky. They told me the film was so bad that they felt the need to exact vengeance on the world for the waste of their time. This payback came in the form of convincing a third friend that the Halle Berry film was head and shoulders above other comic book films. The stunt worked, and duping someone in this way is now known as “pulling a Catwoman”. After seeing Ghost Rider, there should be a change in nomenclature.

I’m not quite sure what made Ghost Rider so horrible. Was it the Redman stains on a script that was written during yellow flags at the Daytona 500? It could have been the actors performances were driven by direction gleaned from focus groups of 12 year olds Anson Williams hopped up on Redbull and red-hots? (Thanks to Bear for that line. Sorry you had to vomit so many times during the film) The why is unimportant, the reality is the folks at Marvel jumped the shark with Ghost Rider.

The story chronicles the life of Johnny Blaze, an Evel Knievel-ish motorcycle daredevil. Johnny makes a deal with the Devil for his soul in exchange for healing his father’s terminal cancer. The deal is made in less time and emotional energy than it takes to order a Big Mac, and Johnny becomes the world’s next Ghost Rider (A sort of bounty hunter for ole split foot). Along the way Johnny leaves the love of his life, becomes the biggest stuntman since Super Dave Osborne, and is called upon to stop a group of four demons from bringing about the end of the world. Who the demons are and how they are going to bring about the end of the world isn’t very clear.

Why anyone would be compelled by the heroic characters is equally as vague. Nicholas Cage’s characterization of Johnny Blaze was a step above a snickering Bevis. There were a few attempts at making the character quirky and memorable. Blaze listens to Carpenter’s songs while guzzling coffee straight out of the pot before getting ready for his career defining big jump scene. That sums Blaze’s character development. Eva Mendes, as love interest Roxanne Simpson, is less believable than a high school cheerleader’s excuse of taking care of a sick mother for not going out with you on Saturday night.

The visuals and special effects aren’t bad, but far from carrying the film as just a piece of eye candy. If you’ve seen the trailers, you’ve seen all the cool action packed shots of the film. Surprisingly the best special effect is Eva Mendes’ anti-gravity bra pushing up her ever exposed cleavage.

Folks, don’t see this one. Don’t rent it. Don’t get it on Netflix. Don’t talk to anyone about thinking about seeing it. And please pray that Stan Lee was paying closer attention to Spiderman 3 and Fantastic Four 2 to watch the dailies of Ghost Rider. If this is any indication of what we have to look forward to this year for Marvel Comics’ movies, we should all start reading Nora Roberts.


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30 January 2007

Evil Skwerl

In my line of work I have to deal with in bound freight brought to my establishment by tractor-trailers. The east bound and down, convoy rolling through the night, 53 foot big rigs that cris-cross the country supplying every need we have. One aspect of a trailer’s existence is internal graffiti. We’ve all seen the “Jesus saves” or “Visualize world peace” written on dust on trailer’s doors. This is by no means the only graffiti that adorns our nation’s cargo haulers.

The freight business breeds conditions that would heighten the need to express one’s self. Long hours of isolation, the stress of keeping time tables, long waits at pick up/drop off points, and time away from home are contributing factors for a desire of self expression. I hypothesize that this is why inside most trailers can be found a plethora of the world’s most colorful graffiti. Most examples I am unable to print in this public forum.

The picture below is an example of said trucker art. This particular piece speaks to me on a number of levels.

Those that know me will know exactly why: my love for all things skwerl and an interest in crypto-zoology. There is no mistaking the evil skwerl as being part of the chupacabra legend. There’s a little known story of a peyote eating male chupacabra mating with a Red Foxx Skwerl on the outskirts of Tijuana. The result was an abomination of both species.

Known as the ardilla malvada to locals, the prime Skwerl adopted many of the physical characteristics of its mother. This new breed looked like any other skwerl, only slightly larger. From the father, the hybrid gained enhanced strength and speed, night vision, elongated teeth, and a carnivores’ appetite. A dangerous combination for a species of skwerl that is known to be protective of its warren’s territory. If you recall, a Red Foxx Skwerl is immortalized in Hawthorne’s The Scarlet Letter. This animal flings a nut at Hester Prynn’s child, beaning little Pearl’s head.

The Ardilla Malvada prime began to mate with the regular Red Foxx Skwerl population. Luckily there were few births in the first generation of Ardilla Malvada. Had the population grown to the density of skwerl in most cities’ parks, we all would have been in trouble. Small packs of Ardilla would band together in hunting groups. Some stories say that no fewer than five of these little boogers could take down a Bambi sized fawn in a matter of minutes.

Of course I have no hard proof that they exist and all my information is from a Coast-to-Coast AM caller. I didn’t think they really existed. At least till tonight when I saw the pictogram for myself. So the next time you’re in a public park or out hiking a back trail, watch out. Once an Evil Skwerl gets a taste for human blood, they will never eat anything else again….

27 January 2007

My Son the Jedi

Looks like my little boy has grown up to save the galaxy with his fellow Jedi...
They grow up so fast.

25 January 2007

Smokin' Aces Review

There is something in the American adult male psyche that has an adolescent craving to see violent acts on film. I’m sure it’s the influence of video games and music videos that warps our normally genteel sensibilities into a near Klingon blood lust. I’ll channel Freud later and ask him why this need exists and furthermore why Smokin’ Aces satisfied the longing so completely.

The trailers portray a straight forward plot line of a mob informant who has a million dollar contract out on his head. Groups of colorful assassins then head out in a It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad World dash to whack the mark. The mark is none other than Vegas magician Buddy “Aces” Israel. A freaked out Buddy is biding his time in a Reno hotel suite until the Feds finalize an immunity deal that will spirit him to safety.

Since we’ve entered Doug Henning’s world of illusion through Buddy, nothing is as it seems. The plot takes a number of twists along the way that make all of the previously mentioned gratuitous violence an integral character. Yes, the film is violent. But we are dipping into a world of bad men and women trying to kill someone. The overall feel of the first half of the film is light and almost cartoonish in it’s portrayal of these acts. Much in the same way The Big Hit , a few years back did.

Structurally, one might think that the divergent back stories and ensemble cast would make a confusing mess of any film. It might if you don’t pay just the slightest bit of attention. The script does throw a huge number of characters at you, but doesn’t over or under develop any of them. It’s almost like a miniskirt; long enough to cover everything, but short enough to be interesting.

Each character has very clearly defined motives that are generally shown by implication. The clever script leaves one with strong enough clues to work out what’s going on in the character’s heads without bashing yours in. In that respect the hit person duo of Alicia Keys and Taraji P. Henson steal the show. At the end, one is feeling sorry for the 50 cal sniper toting Henson in spite of her brutal profession.

The remainder of the cast gives almost equally as strong a performance. Jeremy Piven (as Buddy Israel) is plays a very believable despicably likable pseudo-mob figure. (Could I have strung any more adjectives together in that sentence?) The FBI triangle of Ryan Reynolds, Ray Liotta, and Andy Garcia are equally as believable in their motivations. Rapper Common even hits it out of the park as Buddy’s chief lieutenant.

Along the way the minor characters turn out to be the most memorable. The trailer park Karate Kid and Jason Bateman top that list. The unexplained characterizations of these two really make you wish they get more screen time in some DVD director’s cut. If I'm lucky Santa will have one under the tree for me next Christmas.

Smokin’ Aces made me laugh, it made me cry, and it became a part of me… I dug everything about it. I would have felt good paying full price and buying $30 worth of snacks. Not since Rumble in the Bronx have I walked out of a film saying, "That kicked ass!", over and over again…



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19 January 2007

Testing Fate and Learning Flyte...

I've been meaning to post this forever and keep forgetting to. These are some comments from one of the Chefs at Nashville's hippest new restaurant Flyte, Jen. If you haven't been to Flyte you're not hip and trendy. That's why I haven't been yet, but the Scene gave it a good review. Jen sent this to me this summer, and I've been meaning to post it since. If you would like to lavish Jen with praises, stop by Flyte for dinner and tell her how clever she is. The first part is a real news story...


Lioness in zoo kills man who invoked God

Mon Jun 5, 8:31 AM ET
KIEV (Reuters) - A man shouting that God would keep him safe was mauled to death by a lioness in Kiev zoo after he crept into the animal's enclosure, a zoo official said on Monday. "The man shouted 'God will save me, if he exists', lowered himself by a rope into the enclosure, took his shoes off and went up to the lions," the official said.
"A lioness went straight for him, knocked him down and severed his carotid artery." The incident, Sunday evening when the zoo was packed with visitors, was the first of its kind at the attraction. Lions and tigers are kept in an "animal island" protected by thick concrete blocks.

Jen's thoughts on the matter...
Top Things to do Before You Try This Would be:

1. Make sure you believe in the correct god, the one that saves you from lions.
2. Make sure you’ve talked to your god recently; perhaps feel him/her out on their opinion on saving people from zoo exhibits that were intentionally designed to keep people on the outside, and man-eating animals on the inside.
3. Make sure god’s schedule is clear that week, you don’t want to be hanging above lions and find out god is having his/her hair done.
4. Maybe give god a 5 second window – stick just a foot in and if god doesn’t show up within 5 seconds come back later.
5. Make sure the lions don’t believe in a better god than you do. How do you know that lion god doesn’t protect lions from stupid people who enter their cages and present themselves like a Hungry Man meal?
6. Maybe try watching some Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom first. If god was so interested in saving beings from lions he/she probably would have started a tradition that would be well documented by now.

18 January 2007

Sunshine Trailer

For those of you out there that dug Trainspotting and 28 Days Later check out this exclusive trailer of Danny Boyle's latest flick Sunshine. I think this is going to be a good one.

17 January 2007

Bruce Campbell is the Mark of a Man

I think if I could go out drinking with one celebrity, it would have to be Bruce Campbell. That's in a mannly, slap each other on the back and swap stories going out drinking. Not a come hither, batting of the eye-lash, have a drink with me sometime have a drink. At any rate, if you haven't seen Bruce in his new Old Spice commercial, you don't have it...

12 January 2007

del Toro to take on Lovecraft?

The only thing that excites me more than the prospect of Guillermo del Toro doing Hellboy 2, is what he has next in mind. In a Sci-Fi Wire article, del Toro says he’d like to direct a film version of H.P. Lovecraft’s In the Mouth of Madness. (No, we’re not talking about a remake of that crappy Sam Neil flick) If you have any doubts that del Toro could do justice to the father of modern horror’s work, you haven’t seen Pan’s Labyrinth.

You might have seen this headline floating around on the geek blog circuits and not actually read the article. For those who have taken a closer look knows del Toro isn’t planning on resting on his laurels. Other projects he is contemplating are: a new version of Tarzan (sans all the singing and Rosie O’Donnell), and a film called Silver he’s been writing on for the past 13 years. All we know about Silver is that it has to do with Mexico, vampires, and wrestlers. I guess that would make Jack Black the badest, most kick ass, vampire hunter in all of Mexico.


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11 January 2007

Highlander: The Source



This trailer for the latest Highlander film has made it's rounds on You Tube. In doing a little research, the film is about Duncan Macleod trying to find the source of the Immortals power. I really, really hope this doesn't lead to the planet Ziest again. Also, there is nothing wrong with your computer, there is no audio for the first 30 seconds of the clip.


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09 January 2007

Alpha Dog Review

“I'm a educated fool, with money on my mind
Got my ten in my hand and a gleam in my eye
I'm a loced-out gangsta, set-trippin banger
And my homies is down, so don't arouse my anger, fool

Death ain't nothing but a heart beat away
I'm livin life do-or-die ah, what can I say?
I'm twenty-three now, but will I live to see twenty-fo'?
The way things are goin I don't know”

Coolio, Gangsta’s Paradise

By watching the trailers and reading the blurbs, one would think that Alpha Dog is a modern day treatment of the famous Leopold and Lobe case. With tag lines like “A crime with this many witnesses, should never have gone this far”, one would think a certain connection would not be far off the mark. Well that’s as far as the connection goes. While Leopold and Lobe are of genius stature, the characters in Alpha Dog would have to make frequent trips to the brain bank to measure up.

Alpha Dog is a social commentary that is loosely based on events of six days in August 2000 that lead to the death of Nicholas Markowitz. The movie plot, and real life event, centers on mid-level drug dealers in Southern California trying to settle a $1200 debt with Markowitz’s older brother. While attempting to settle the tab with the elder Markowitz, our bumbling ganstas see Nicholas and kidnap him as a marker for the debt. Nicholas spends a few days partying with his new buddies eventually getting knocked in the head. Evidently kidnappers think the score of witnesses at their parties might link them with Markowitz.

The film’s underlying theme is that the glamorization of rap videos, desensitization of violence through video games has lead all of these youth down a primrose path. Every time I noticed a TV in the film, there was a rap video or video game on screen.While filmmaker and writer Nick Cassavetes places time stamps on the film and gives it a documentary back drop, the film makes no serious attempt to link back to real life events. Changing the names and certain events from real life into a Hollywood script takes a huge hit on the film’s underlying message. Like the raps and video games, the script turns into another dose of Hollywood fantasy.

Anachronism alert!!. The film is set in 1999. In once scene Justin Timberlake is playing a video game on an Xbox. Xboxes were not released in North American until 15 Nov 2001. If that doesn’t get me into the geek hall of fame, nothing will.

What is tragic about the real life and movie events is that the weak spirited do fall prey to the over stimuli of certain lifestyles. Whatever that particular lifestyle is, there will always be those that are seduced to an extreme level. There will always be those that follow like lemmings behind a stronger personality. The film’s real message should have been arm your children against the Svengalis out there. Men and women in the big bad world that possess this level of magnetism are infinitely more dangerous than locking someone up with an Xbox and an MP3 player chocked full of Time Life’s Greatest Thug Hits of all time.

The cast does portray all these archetypes to a key. Emil Hirsh portrays the group’s leader and simply does so by his ability to direct his minions and make decisions. Shawn Hatosy portrays Hirsh’s adoring lackey like he had spent time on an 18th Century British Man-of War. Even Justin Timberlake gets his inner Dr. Phillish badass on the big screen. Together with the mobbed up Bruce Willis and Harry Dean Stanton (who is always my choice for the washed up drunk role), a few more minor sycophants and hotties at parties, the wide eyed Anton Yelchin make the expected Hollywood roles work.

It’s worth a look if you’re up for Hollywood calling the kettle black.




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04 January 2007

And That's a Wrap...

It has taken me 4 days to convince myself that the 2006 holiday season is finally over with. The space from 1 Nov to 31 Dec turns me into something akin to Atlas and Sisyphus’ bastard love child. Between my friends, family, job, and dodging Burl Ives; life can get a little wiggy during this 61 day period. And the chorus of Tralfamadorians that reside in my head sing, “So it goes…”

In the journal of this year’s holiday season, I thought I would share some bullet point successes and failures, in clearing the books on naught-six. I have few hopes that this blog will serve any purpose other than releasing the pent up psycho-creative backwash that swims in between my ears. So take the red pill and ride the wave baby.

Successes

  • Lasting through the entire Nashville Christmas parade with my son without freezing to death or taking a hostage.
  • Carving the Thanksgiving turkey with a nail file from a knock off brand Swiss Army Knife
  • Not getting caught by Metro for driving on expired tags
  • Talking Laura into using a beaver puppet and Burt the stuffed squirrel as Christmas Tree decorations.
  • Beating Richard Nixon’s record for Maalox consumed in a 24 hour period of time.
  • Not physically or verbally abusing the guy in the mall that claimed, “Celine Dion can make anything sound wonderful.”
  • Finding out that South Beach Meal Replacement Bars give me worse gas than a trough full of cabbage, broccoli, and brussle sprouts.
  • Dressed as an elf and went from office party to office party in a Downtown building. No one was the wiser…

Failures

  • Burl Ives whooped my large white bottom on the 15th of November. You’ve bested me again fat man.
  • Attempted to seek the wisdom of three wise men and got the same response from all, “Don’t eat at a Mexican place that doesn’t warn you that the plates are hot.” I was hoping for a little more substance than that.
  • Loosing an argument with a woman that since 1979 the incremental size increase of chicken legs was not a government plot.
  • Being questioned by the FBI about my sale of a Play Station 4 on Ebay
  • Did not stave off turning 34
  • Not shooting someone’s eye out with an official Red Ryder carbine action two-hundred shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock.
  • Finding out that Boxing Day does not mean that you dress for work as your favorite boxer.

Well that puts a lid on the major events of the holiday season. Happy Festivus to all and to all a good night.