16 November 2006

Who Knows What Evil Lurks in the Blogs of Men? Google Knows

I understand that I write a modest blog that fosters around 130 unique visitors a month. Ok, so I’m not setting any internet records with Random Stuff, but I enjoy writing it. Some of you actually dig reading the mishmash of reviews and life tales I present. So it goes.

This past weekend I was amazed at the number of hits I was getting on my review of Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny. The number of hits I got on this article was 5 to 6 times the normal rate in which my blog is visited. Great, this means that I can infect a larger group of people with my peculiar quirks and ramblings. Wondering why this was such an anomalie, I turned to Blog Patrol.

For those of you who haven’t noticed, Blog Patrol supports the counter I use on this blog and on my other blog Grail Seekers. It is a free service that not only tracks unique users that visit your blog, but other interesting Orwellian internet info. The service tracks: IP address of visitors, screen resolutions, operating systems, refers, times of the day your blog is visited, and key words used to find your blog in cyberland. It’s scary when you think of the information that is available from a free site. Think about what the folks that pay for your information can find out.

I could quickly see that the reason I was getting hits on my review. All of the refers were from Google searches. Doing a quick search on “Pick of Destiny Review”, I found that I was the second site listed for this phrase. Wow. My review was second only to the Rolling Stone’s review in Google land. Above IMDB, Movie Fone, Rotten Tomatoes, and Variety, sat Random Stuff. Someone on the information superhighway must like my work.

The hits kept rolling in until Monday, when they magically stopped. Thinking I had dropped down on the second page, I ran my search again. The drop in my key word stock was so great that it would have made Black Thursday look like a bump in the road. I grew weary of clicking on “next” after filtering through the first 25 pages without a mention of Random Stuff.

What gives? Did I hack someone off at Google over the weekend and they axed my listing? Was some long lost girlfriend working for Google and this was her last bit of revenge? I did some research into how Google ranks its searches. Turning to the masters themselves, the Google Geeks claim it’s a pigeon pecking system that picks its key word relevance ranking.

Of course this tongue and cheek gag is covering up the super secret algorithm that has made Google the number one search engine in the universe. Blah, they guard the secrets with their lives… Blah, blah, the Google compound is the coolest place in the world to work and is guarded by a sphinx resurrected from DNA found in Tut’s tomb. Blah bligity blah, they use blind-mute coders that work on independent strands to the code to insure it never gets out. Whatever urban legend you’ve heard, it’s probably not far from the truth. My original thesis of this article was that big web business didn’t like me one upping them on the search engine and made a call to Google to set things straight. Let me stress this was my thesis.

Now here’s the part that makes me want to pony up to Mel Gibson in Conspiracy Theory and hug a teddy bear holding a 9mm close when I sleep. I started writing this blog on Tuesday. Everything up to today, Thursday, was accurate. Today when I did a Google search on “Pick of Destiny Review” my listing is number 5 on the first page. What the frack is going on?

Now I’m beginning to think that Google has been employed by the CIA – Klingon alliance to screw with my head. Did Google know I was writing this article and was afraid I would discredit them? Or is this just some cyber fluke? I’m calling Art Bell tonight to find out.

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