06 April 2006

I Remember California

I thought about this email I sent out to some of my friends and family while I was in California a couple of years back. For some reason I kept it in my e-mail archive and thought I’d post it for posterity’s sake. Enjoy.

Well after a week spent in Oxnard with strikers throwing chicken leg quarters at me, I've found a few differences from the good ole South and California.

1. Purple Neon does not automatically denote a porn shop for any given establishment. As a matter of fact, I saw a butcher’s shop with purple neon.

2. Never walk down the street with any type of bandanna on. You might be viewed as a homosexual or a gang banger. I won’t tell you how I found out about this one. I will say that I felt dirty after the experience.

3. The green salsa out here makes you crap.

4. The red salsa out here makes you crap even more.

5. Women are not enchanted by a Southern accent. One gets looks of Beverly Hillbilly distain any time uses the come on line: "Hey baby, how would you like to have a sexual experience so intense it could conceivably change your political views...."

6. Dana Delaney's phone number is not listed.

7. Do not pause at a traffic light changing to green. Forget the Nashville, “wait half a second at a newly changed green light to make sure no on runs the opposite red light” rule. At the light change gun it. Anything else is seen as a sign of weakness and these savages will surely kill you.

8. Bubba Ho-tep kicks ass... (Author’s note: At the time, the Bruce Campbell epic Bubba Ho-tep was only being shown in select cities across the country. I make it a rule never to go to movies while out of town, but this one I could not resist. I was the first geek on my block to see it.)

9. Striking union workers don't like it when the public taunts them with, I've got a job and you don't.

10. Every male from the ages of 12 to 24 are exactly like Bill and Ted. Except the few Hispanics who want to be Lou Diamond Phillips and know every line to all the crappy movies he's been in.

11. Your shoes will get stuck in the La Brae tar pits.

12. Never try to visit Mann's Chinese theater on the opening night of remake of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

13. That enchanting scent of the ocean that the Old Spice commercials portray is a sham. The only thing you can smell on the beach is rotting fish and surfer’s butt cracks.

14. I am happy to report that all the women out here are not all Goddesses that sing a siren’s song. I’ve seen quite a few that would be at home in a Fayettville trailer park.

15. Honest to God, I saw someone lay a rose on the sidewalk in front of the Viper Room. I really hope this was someone that was trying to get a gig at the club, rather than paying homage to River Phoenix.

I'm going to be out for another 2 weeks... I've got a room and a rental car all to myself.... Anyone who wants to can get on Priceline and come on out. Dad said he found a round trip ticket on line some where for less than $300. It’s all swimming pools and movie stars out here.


1 comment:

WordSmith said...

My personal favorites were #3 and #4. I've had some red and green sauce in Nashville that makes you crap too. *Note, never tell a hispanic that their salsa is not hot enough. Your bowels will never be the same again. Don't ask me how I know this.