15 April 2006

Carefree Highway

A number of friends and acquaintances wonder about my schedule. Being a retail baron, I work when the rest of humanity is out frolicking. It is not uncommon for me to be off work in the middle of your workweek. So what does one do when a normal day off falls on a Tuesday? I thought I would chronicle my last day off to give everyone an idea of what the life of leisure on a Tuesday is really like.

0632 – Awoken by Heterosexual Life Partner tripping over my shoes strategically placed at the foot of the bed. Pray that she doesn’t realize I’m awake and forgets before she comes home from work.
0637 – Hear the front door close and realize my ruse worked.
0637.0000001 – Light a cigarette and make coffee
0639 – Tried to remember what I had for dinner why it turned into a burnt sienna color.
0644 – Turn on the news and wonder why I bother. The tales are depressing and the news casters are hyped up on goofballs. The world is truly going to hell in a hand basket.
0655 - Check email. Consider if I really need Viagra or to refinance my mortgage. Deciding neither option is right for me, I check out the Daily Grail for any news of the strange and unusual. Find out about a Knights Templar grave found in Northern Israel. The report is scant, and I wonder what they’re leaving out.
0706 - First Nap; dreamt of being on a flight to Scotland with no passport. Wondering how I can talk my way out of this one when I hit customs. I woke up as a German Shepherd was sniffing my crack for crank.
0916 – Woke up to the first telemarketer call of the day. I answer the phone listening to a desperate woman wanting to refinance my house. I ask the telemarketer if she would like to hear the Good News about how I have combined the religions of Buddhism and Islam and how if saved my life in the Swiss Alps. She declines.
0924 – Turn the TV back on, the Montel Williams show happens to be on. I train wreck for a few minutes contemplating why Sylvia Brown uses her powers to find lost wedding rings and dogs instead of the Ark of the Covenant or the Holy Grail.
0945 – Scan bodily functions and realizes that my levels of caffeine and nicotine are not yet optimal. Take measures to correct the imbalance.
0951 – Start writing something that I think the world will stand up and take notice of. Realizing that Jessica Simpson’s marriage, the latest celebrity Scientology birth, and what shoes the Olsen Twins wore to a pig’s briss are much more compelling than anything I have to write, I elected to discontinue work on the project.
1032 – Hear the lawn guys outside. This is the prefect time to take a shower. Bathing is the ultimate plausible deniability should the lawn guys need anything. My goal on days off is to limit my contact with the outside world. I see and deal with enough people when I work. Why should I want anyone to invade my Fortress of Solitude on my day off?
1047 – Resolve to correspond with Stephen Hawkins about the Time Warp in the Shower dilemma. How could I have spent 15 minutes in the shower? This must be a breech in the laws of Physics.
1048 – Nix the Hawkins letter; the topic was covered in a bootleg appendix of A Brief History of Time.
1049 – Second Nap; no dream; only a puddle of drool on my pillow.
1307 - Wake up to the mailman pounding on the door. Thinking it is another registered letter about a paternity suit, I hide. Turns out it was only a parcel containing a rare Go-Bot I purchased on Ebay that would not fit in the mailbox.
1315 – Focused my Chi
1316 – Donned my Darth Vader mask and played Star Wars Battlefront II on Xbox. Destroyed numerous Rebel fighter craft and frigates, and for once felt the force guide my fingers on the control pad.
1633 – Second telemarketer call of the day. A man with a slight West Indies accent wanted to sell me gold coins commemorating the life and work of Buddy Hackett. When ask, the telemarketer could not tell me who Buddy Hackett was. I denied the request for a purchase.
1647 – Was invited to party with all the girls from Coyote Ugly. Declined because none of the girls knew who Ben Stein is.
1726 – Attempted to clean up any messes I made before my Heterosexual Life Partner returned from work. Almost got everything the way she likes it, except for a kitchen cabinet that was left open. Was dutifully spanked for my transgression.

Well folks, that’s an off day in the life of a retail mogul. And they say that God blesses the weak with uneventful lives…

1 comment:

Charlie said...

Your writing is wunderbar mein heinemachenherr. Keep up the good work and good works.

cm