14 February 2006

Cupid's Got a Brand New Bag

This Valentine’s Day an odd thought struck me. From time to time, we all get the emails about some personality test that we should take. Our significant (or insignificant) others usually forward these tests to see if we were meant for each other. This predicates that some geek’s romance index will open the flood gates of understanding and promote world peace. I’ve got a sure fire way to stop wishing you to take useless tests in their tracks. Have the offending partner take this test. Tell him/her that you’ve spent $20 for a real shrink to score both of your tests. You’ll need him/her to forward their answers directly to you so you can send them to the shrink. Then you score the results and make any BS comments you want about their answers. Slick huh… So here’s the test.

1. What is the most unusual object you’ve used to fish out the last pickle in a jar?
2. You go into an Exxon bathroom while on the road; there is a toilet and urinal. One of your travel companions asks how many holes are in the bathroom. Your answer depends on?
3. What is the most offensive word in the English language and why?
4. The phrase “fire in the hole” means:
5. Nose picking, necessary evil or bane of the roadways?
6. PMS; Fact or Fiction? Give examples to support your argument.
7. Fleet - disposable enema or disposable income?
8. Have you ever had carnal relations with a midget? If not, why are you prejudice?
9. You’re shopping and you decide you do not wish to purchase an item; do you put it back where you got it; or leave it anywhere?
10. You have the chance to meditate with a real live Buddhist monk. While getting into your meditative groove, the monk lays a toot. What do you do? (If the subject of religion doesn’t fit for you, exchange while on a test drive, the salesperson toots.)
11. What activity in your life have you preformed that might cause blindness? (I’m talking full fledged lights out, not temporary loss of sight.)
12. Bounty - the quicker picker-upper or Swiffer for AA rejects
13. Who actually let the dogs out and why?
14. You're at a party at someone's house and you accidentally tee-winkle on the white bathroom carpet. While staring at the yellow sun like spot, do you pull out your Tide pen and clean it up or throw a bathmat over it and hope no one will notice?
14B. Sub question to 14, if you carry a Tide pen everywhere you go, give an explanation.
15. Do you know any of the words to the following songs?
Snowbird by Anne Murray
One Night in Bangkok by Murray Head
Candy Bar by Keith Murray
16. We all know that 90% of people in the world have written graffiti at one point or another. This is part of the need to feel immortal thing with humans. What was the last bit of graffiti you wrote and where. If you have never wanted to write graffiti, explain your obsession with death.
17. Describe and defend your hair style during the summer of Purple Rain.
18. What is the item you are most ashamed of searching for Ebay?
18B. Did you bid on it?
18C. Did you win the auction?
19. Expound upon the symbolism in Col. Mustard and Miss Scarlett’s relationship as it pertains to the works of E.E. Cummings.
20. Have you ever been offended by a casserole?

Please feel free to answer any or all questions in the comments section. I’ll take the test tomorrow and post my results.

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