15 February 2006

Physician Heal Thyself

Tasting my own medicine, I really did take my little quiz. Here are my answers. Being a highly subjective test, there is no right or wrong. Well, there is plenty of wrong in my answers. *

1. Oddly enough, the idea for this article came to me while fishing a pickle out of a jar with a ball point pen.
2. You have to count not only the urinals and the toilets, but the number of sinks and floor drains to get a truly accurate count. Those that answered with anything to do with trash cans are just plain twisted.
3. Of course the “C” word, conscription. What did you think I was going to say?
4. Military term for “prepare for an explosive to be detonated”. This has nothing to do with a STD.
5. For me it’s a necessary evil. While driving I like to think that picking my nose is akin to free speech.
6. I’m not even brave enough to answer that one in a public forum.
7. Having never needing to use a Fleet, I would have to say disposable income.
8. No I never have. Have you ever done a Match.com search on midgets? They’re few and far between.
9. I put it back. Folks that just leave things out for others to pick up are pigs at heart and have no place in my universe.
10. Quickly light a stick on incense and pray he didn’t get so relaxed he sharted himself.
11. Drinking bathtub hooch at a party a cop threw.
12. Neither, I usually make one of my many house servants clean up any messes I make.
13. Andy Rooney did so; on a dare.
14. Neither, you immediately rat out the last person in the bathroom to the host. You have to say it loud enough that a few folks hear you. This will create a hub-bub at the party that the person you fingered really did do it. Get another drink, and hit on the date of the crass bowl misser.
14b. What’s a Tide pen?
15. Out of respect for the affair I once had with Anne Murray while listening to One Night in Bangkok and eating a candy bar, I will not answer this question.
16. Anyone that knows me knows the answer to this one, or at least the first part of it. Like so many things on this blog, I decline to answer on the grounds of the 5th Amendment.
17. Ok folks, I was 11 and really dug watching the “A” Team. I pitty the fool that would have made fun of my hair style that summer.
18. I looked for HervĂ© Villechaize memorabilia, hoping to find a shirt that he wore on Fantasy Island. What I found was more perverse than anything I could have imagined. There was a pair of Superman Underroos that Tattoo wore while filming Two Moon Junction. Yes I bid, and I got sniped at the last minute and lost the auction by 50 cents. By the way, I have actually been by the little man’s house. Or what was the little man’s house, well before you know…
19. I think E.E. said it best in his poem Between the Breasts. Check it out. That Cummings fellow was a man after my own heart.
20. I once had a taco casserole attack me at a clam bake. Well the casserole didn’t attack me, the woman I had just ask to run away with me to search for Bigfoot threw it at me. I can’t say as I blame her. Her husband was the Duke of some small Baltic State, and looking for Bigfoot is hard work.

*Answers will vary from participant to participant. See the box top for rules. Not vaild in the State of Maryland due to laws governing fake personality tests. There is no scoring method. Everyone is a winner and a star in my book. Keep on trucking

14 February 2006

Cupid's Got a Brand New Bag

This Valentine’s Day an odd thought struck me. From time to time, we all get the emails about some personality test that we should take. Our significant (or insignificant) others usually forward these tests to see if we were meant for each other. This predicates that some geek’s romance index will open the flood gates of understanding and promote world peace. I’ve got a sure fire way to stop wishing you to take useless tests in their tracks. Have the offending partner take this test. Tell him/her that you’ve spent $20 for a real shrink to score both of your tests. You’ll need him/her to forward their answers directly to you so you can send them to the shrink. Then you score the results and make any BS comments you want about their answers. Slick huh… So here’s the test.

1. What is the most unusual object you’ve used to fish out the last pickle in a jar?
2. You go into an Exxon bathroom while on the road; there is a toilet and urinal. One of your travel companions asks how many holes are in the bathroom. Your answer depends on?
3. What is the most offensive word in the English language and why?
4. The phrase “fire in the hole” means:
5. Nose picking, necessary evil or bane of the roadways?
6. PMS; Fact or Fiction? Give examples to support your argument.
7. Fleet - disposable enema or disposable income?
8. Have you ever had carnal relations with a midget? If not, why are you prejudice?
9. You’re shopping and you decide you do not wish to purchase an item; do you put it back where you got it; or leave it anywhere?
10. You have the chance to meditate with a real live Buddhist monk. While getting into your meditative groove, the monk lays a toot. What do you do? (If the subject of religion doesn’t fit for you, exchange while on a test drive, the salesperson toots.)
11. What activity in your life have you preformed that might cause blindness? (I’m talking full fledged lights out, not temporary loss of sight.)
12. Bounty - the quicker picker-upper or Swiffer for AA rejects
13. Who actually let the dogs out and why?
14. You're at a party at someone's house and you accidentally tee-winkle on the white bathroom carpet. While staring at the yellow sun like spot, do you pull out your Tide pen and clean it up or throw a bathmat over it and hope no one will notice?
14B. Sub question to 14, if you carry a Tide pen everywhere you go, give an explanation.
15. Do you know any of the words to the following songs?
Snowbird by Anne Murray
One Night in Bangkok by Murray Head
Candy Bar by Keith Murray
16. We all know that 90% of people in the world have written graffiti at one point or another. This is part of the need to feel immortal thing with humans. What was the last bit of graffiti you wrote and where. If you have never wanted to write graffiti, explain your obsession with death.
17. Describe and defend your hair style during the summer of Purple Rain.
18. What is the item you are most ashamed of searching for Ebay?
18B. Did you bid on it?
18C. Did you win the auction?
19. Expound upon the symbolism in Col. Mustard and Miss Scarlett’s relationship as it pertains to the works of E.E. Cummings.
20. Have you ever been offended by a casserole?

Please feel free to answer any or all questions in the comments section. I’ll take the test tomorrow and post my results.