28 January 2006

A Starbucks to Remember

     It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve offered up my random thoughts to the public.  What can I say?  Dry Spell?  The great mind blight of 2006?  What ever has been kicking the cherubic bottom of my muse, I wish it would quit.  Since wishing and hoping is the stuff passive-aggressive legends are made of, I decided to take matters into my own hands.
     One day this week I was off work and decided to get out of my normal surroundings to see if that would light my mental pilot light.  Since my inspiration quotient has been running a quart low, I chose Starbucks.  What’s worse than writing something at Starbucks? Writing something about an experience at Starbucks has to be a far greater sin.  I do apologize.  It’s hackneyed and trite, but I’ve had my creative Johnson in my hand for 2 weeks.  It’s time to post something.  If you read any further, don’t say I didn’t warn you.  
     Well let’s at least mix it up some.  Let’s do this in script form.  Imagine that I’m trying to sell this to ABC as a scene in some crappy sit com. (And yes I know the format isn’t right.  What are you going to?  Give me an “F” on my own Blog?  And yes, not all of this is quite true.  Situations and characters have been embellished where I like.  Please don’t think about trying to get me on the Oprah show to confess.)

A Starbucks to Remember
Written by: BK
Revision: 27 Jan 06

RANDOM STARBUCKS – DAY
Welcome to the Starbucks in Hermitage, its 10:00 AM on a sunny, but cold January morning.  The coffee house is filled with your typical characters.  Slackers, avante-guard fan boys and girls, business persons, and the employees (all with Masters in some very difficult, yet very unmarketable subject)

RANDOM STARBUCKS PARKING LOT – DAY
BK- a 30 something balding could loose a few pounds man gets out of a black Honda CR-V with a lap top under his arm.  He’s wearing jeans and sweater with a Serenity baseball cap.  BK opens the door and walks in.  Standing in line he is constantly scanning the room.  BK surveys the coffee shop like someone looking for a terrorist rather than a cup of coffee, he steps up to the counter.

BK: A large caramel machadio, please
Employee #1: A corn fed, young woman with unnaturally tinted hair, a Cocopeli nose ring gleaming, and a button that says “My Ferret Screwed Your Honor Student” You mean a Vendi?
BK: If that is Starbucks code for “Large” then yes.
------Queue Laugh Track
Employee #1:Looks at BK with distain and takes his money.
BK: Waits in line for his coffee.  Starbucks Employee #2 hands him his cup.
Employee #2: Have a special day.
BK: Same to you buddy. BK walks over to the only open table in the place.  Placing his lap-top and coffee on the table, the camera pans from his fingers counting to the number of Blackberries he sees.  Camera pans up for a close head shot of BK shaking his head when he reaches 10.  Opening the lap top and he starts to peck at the keyboard.  Looking over the screen, he sees Patron #1 approach him.
Patron #1: Very neat, very stylishly dressed 30’s male; obviously under the spell of Metrosexuality or some other type of sexuality.   Are you Ron?  You don’t look a thing like the picture you sent me.
BK: I think you’ve got the wrong guy.
Patron #1: Is nearly bowled over by Patron #2.  Patron #2 is a mid-40’s male with a mustache that can only be described as a cookie duster.  Patron #2 grabs Patron #1’s arm. I’m Ron! Patron #2 starts dragging Patron #1 to a table and looks over his shoulder at BK.  Patron #2 gives him a look that would steam a clam. This process is repeated two more times with other stereotypical internet hook ups.  A woman hooking up with another woman and an obviously married woman hooking up with an obviously married man repeat the process.
BK: Shakes his head and wishes that Starbucks is not a smoke free environment.  Looking around the coffee shop again, he sees that all the business persons are eyeing his brand new lap top with envy.  BK’s eyes land on a purposely bald businessman.  He is a line backer type with a goatee.  He is sitting in one of the couches that is too small for him.  It reminds BK of pictures of FDR in a wheelchair.  BK looks down at the man’s wingtips and notices a growth on his right ankle that is hidden by his sock.  The growth is in the exact shape of a scrotum. If this guy’s got balls that big, I have no chance at succeeding at anything today.  BK takes his laptop and coffee and leaves.  In the parking lot he lights a cigarette and the camera zooms on his face.  There is a lone tear running down his cheek, as he unlocks his CR-V and drives home.

Scene Fades

With all that said, I think I’m going to get drunk tonight and go on a Snipe hunt.  




1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I once thought I saw a woman with three boobs but before I got all upset I realized it was just a 4-year old she was still breast feeding.