12 January 2006

School Days.....School Days

In thinking about Nathan Warmack last night, I began very maudlin thoughts about America’s youth. I employ a number of college age “kids” at my day job. (I do appreciate all of you out there that thought writing this blog paid the bills, but alas you’re smoking crack.) In my discussions with them, I have found a troubling hole in their collective educations. Oh their knowledge of history and mathematics is ok, but who is teaching these kids about road trips? Did they skip the day in freshman orientation when they explained what is covered in the recreation or student union fees? Every 18-23 year old I’ve spoken to in the last year needs this gap in their education filled.
DISCLAIMER: I do not advise anyone doing any of this. This blog is a parody of the sham of the enigma wrapped in a burrito that is 21st Century life in America. The following are things that I have heard about people doing and their ethical rational for doing so. Enter into any of these enterprises at your own risk. Do not consider me a role model, or a super model. Do not taunt Happy Funball.

The Student Union Fee and other College tips

Most colleges bilk you out of a few hundred a semester for a Student Union fee. Some places call it a recreation fee, common area fee, activity fee or a fee for use of some lame entertainment building that has 3 used fuss ball tables. The bursar is kind enough to tack this on to your tuition if you make us of it or not. Personally, I view this as another way socialist influences are creeping into our higher education system. I’ve had friends that have used the following methods to recoup the tax from the commissars.
In the spirit of fighting off the red peril on your campus, I’ve included some Ayn Rand approved money making schemes. As always, please pay local and state sales taxes where applicable and check with your lawyer before entering into any of these endeavors.

1. If you live off campus, you should never have to buy toilet paper. Find a supply closet in a seldom used building and get a roll every day or two. If your school uses the industrial sized rolls, all the better. Keep a regular roll in the bathroom for company and use the 6 inch roll as private stock.
2. Why buy notebook paper? Make a template on Word of evenly spaced lines on a blank page. Print out 10-20 each time you’re in the computer lab. Use someone else’s 3 hole punch. Viola, you have notebook paper.
3. Take a zip-lock bag with you to the dinning hall. Rolls, cereal, packets of tea and coffee, chips, whatever. Just fill up the bag with something at every meal for midnight study snacks.
4. While this idea is not sticking it to the man, it can make you some money. Go to a mass merchandiser and buy boxes of single dose medicines and No Doz. Undercut the school store by 25 cents a pack and set up shop. I even had a friend that would buy cartons of smokes and sell them off by the pack.
5. Take a digital camera everywhere, especially parties. There are always some photos no one wants to see the light of day. I won’t go into the story about this money making scheme. It involves a scuba suit, a passed out pre-med student, and Resse’s Peanut Butter Cups.
6. I have one phrase for you… medical experiments. Sperm and plasma could fetch top dollar. I suggest the reproductive material route. Not only do you get paid to do something you’re going to end up doing on a Saturday night anyway, but you get to check out the latest porn.
For the born again hard crowd, you can try the real medical experiments. Now these can be quite lucrative, but there may be some side effects. I knew a girl that faked depression to get on a drug trial program. Unfortunately, she did not get on the placebo track. The side effect was that while on the drug, she would never defecate in the same place twice. Eventually, she used all the crappers on campus and had to spiral outwards from campus to find a place to roost. She had no car, so every night after dinner we would see her walking. Shambling towards a new place to shoot the chocolate, we all wept and held hands.

I’m sure I’ll add to this list and do a separate Road Trip Tips on another post… Keep coming back and I’ll keep rambling…

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